How many of you use Facebook on a regular (or not so regular) basis? If you're like me, it has become a handy way to connect with distant friends and relatives, plus a way to reconnect with old friends who scattered to the four corners of the earth after high school and college. I'm careful with it, but I will admit that I enjoy it. So I was a little surprised when a friend of mine announced that she was stepping away from Facebook permanently because - and this is the part that surprised me - it was throwing her into depression. Totally unexpected. Let me provide a little background: this friend was widowed two years ago thanks to cancer. She took an early retirement from her job as a teacher. She's deeply involved with her large family and volunteer work. She travels. Her life is active and busy. Her statement was followed by an explanation: "I can't stand going on Facebook and reading how perfect and wonderful everyone else's life is anymore. It leaves me feeling depressed and hopeless in comparison." This is not what I expected to hear. Since then, I've read the status entries (esp. those from the friends we share) with a more critical eye. Some people come across as very real, with a mixture of good times and bad. There are those, however, who do read like a Karo syrup IV drip. Every blessed thing is perfect and wonderful, and they are so happy with their wonderful life. I could pick out the very people who pushed my friend into depression. It's sad. I understand though. When we compare our lives to others, and we often do, we often find our own lives "wanting." I know there are many people who believe in being positive in all instances. That's fine, but now I can see what an impact this can have on someone who is struggling. You feel bad to start with, and now you can feel even worse by comparison. I have to give my friend a great deal of credit for recognizing that this is a problem for her right now, and making the decision to walk away from it until she is in a better place. I hope we all have the strength to recognize when something in our lives is detrimental, and the courage to walk away from it. On the flip side, maybe we should find a happy medium and strive for a healthy dose of reality in our posts. Sometimes life is challenging, and it should be okay to express that frustration which accompanies it. Sometimes life is joyous, we should celebrate that. I guess what I'm saying is that we need to perhaps take off the masks we wear on Facebook and seek to be ourselves - with all our faults, successes, and baggage. Are we on FB to share our lives with others, or are we there to play the "my life is better than yours" game? Something to think about.
Adventurous April
Friday, January 3, 2014
Tuesday, December 24, 2013
Merry Christmas
MERRY CHRISTMAS everyone!
This is our resident ballerina in THE CHRISTMAS CAROL ballet - as the ghost of Christmas future. It was an amazing performance with an original score by David Messenger, accompanied by a choir and the Teton Chamber Orchestra. It was moving and epic. All the dancers brought their very best. Congratulations to all the students of Studio One.
Once we finished the performance, the rush of Christmas preparations descended upon us ... but there really seemed to be no time to do all that had to be done. Christmas has come despite that, and we are calling it good. Luckily, our celebration (unlike many folks around this area who seem to toss Christmas at 12:01 a.m. on the 26th) last through New Year's Day. There's still time to do the very last of the tradition baking and get-togethers. We host a party on the 31st, so I am content with what I've managed to do thus far. Neighbor gifts were made and delivered. Presents are 90% delivered (we hope to do the remaining two families this afternoon). The presents are all wrapped, and the resident ballerina is upstairs primping for our traditional dinner at Olive Garden followed by church. She purchased a new dress (emerald green satin covered by black lace) on sale ($15 for a dressy dress? Go shopping girl!)
I know it has been a long absence, but life has been rather difficult. Mom's health problems have continued and she has begun to experience the growing confusion of old age. It breaks my heart, but it is something we are learning to deal with. Patience, patience, patience, backed up with lots and lots of love.
My sis has struggled as well. She is having a real time with kidney stones. They are becoming far too frequent, but she has luckily managed to pass them all thus far. Through trial and error, she is discovering which foods seem to trigger their formation. Hopefully they will become less frequent, since weekly is NO fun.
My body must have felt left out, because in August I had a reaction to prednisone the doctor put me on for an ear/sinus infection. It caused me to go into complete chemical imbalance. Very frightening, and I am still recovering. My iron levels are still not up to the doctor's standards, so he is giving me one last blood test at the end of the month. If I fail that one, he will schedule an iron infusion. Boo! Come on red blood cells, you can do it!
Given all that, the blog was the last thing on my mind. I'm feeling better though, so here I am again. Hope your holidays are happy!
Tuesday, July 2, 2013
Hi ... I'm just back from a trip to hell
Got your attention right? I know, I know ... it's dramatic. Feels that way though. The past three months have been rough for so many reasons. You know those actions movies where the hero is dashing through what basically looks like the apocalypse and stuff is coming at them from all directions? Kind of like that, except that instead of the hero, I am probably the road kill off to the side of the frame.
Number one - health problems with my mom. She had what was originally thought to be heart issues (turns out her blood pressure is very erratic), so we have been dealing with that. Lots of visits to the ER, doctor appointments, and now we are finally working with home health. They come in to monitor her blood pressure and are doing physical therapy with her to improve her balance and help her deal with her osteoporosis. Folks, this woman is the poster child for osteoporosis. Honest. She is seriously a nightmare when it comes to bone density. Our neighbor read a set of her x-rays and seriously freaked out. Yup, it's that good. So we've been really busy with her health issues and Medicare.
This was also the time that my computer decided it was time to have health issues of its own. It started by doing weird little things, then moved on to major freezes and issues that had me screaming. I have a kid whose textbooks are online, which was maddening for her. I talked to a computer geek friend of mine about taking it in and basically had my face laughed in. "Babe, it's five years old! It's operating system can't handle what's out there anymore. Why throw good money after bad? Buy a new computer and send that old relic to Valhalla." Am I the only person who sometimes wants to smack their computer geek friends? So, sniffing and crying over my check book (not to mention feeling betrayed by my little green Dell ... something that may require therapy in future), I drug myself into Staples and threw myself on the mercy of my C.G.s (computer geek ... yup, I do acronyms) there. They commiserated (at least on the surface) with my trauma over being betrayed by my Dell's operating system etc., then led me by the hand to the display area. Knowing me as they do (she's a teacher guys, don't take her over to the BMW section), I was led to the sale area. "It's the last Lenovo Ultrabook of this model. They've got a new one coming out, so we've marked them down 50% to clear them out. This is the last one. You're going to save about 70% if you take this floor model though." Luckily, I'd done my homework and knew this to be a highly rated computer. So, I clapped my little hands and did the dance of joy. Gotta tell you, they love me at Staples. I think I amuse them because I like them so much. I like them so much because they take such good care of me. Always.
So, I went home with my new laptop loaded with Windows 8. I was busy with all the things you need to do when you get a new computer of course. I also had lots of end-of-the-year school assignments to do, plus several writing assignments. Suddenly, I found myself fighting over the computer with the other members of the family. No actual battles or preemptive strikes, but we did do our share of glaring over our own personal DMZ, accompanied by growls of "I need the computer now. Are you done? Yet?" That's when my daughter who is going into high school next year signed up for the school's Fast Track system. She can take online college courses (eight) the school will pay for, and get a leg up on her general education requirements etc. Okay. I went online to see if Dell had any promotions going and found a laptop for 50% off. Yup, I was feeling totally golden. So, the new baby arrived and there was peace in the land once more.
My school year ended, mercifully. This has been one of the hardest years ever. So much ugliness went on. I may post about that later, but not on this day. Our school district, like every other school district in our state, is being seriously underfunded by our state legislators. Therefore, we went to our patrons with a levy to help get us through. It was crushingly defeated by our patrons. Many of those who voted no did so because they are unhappy with our superintendent, administrators, and school board. They wanted to "send them a message." I don't know if they got any "message," but the ones left to bear the brunt of the massive cuts that had to be made were the kids and the teachers. One of the things they did was fire all the school librarians. So ... the year didn't end well at all. We keep hearing about more cuts as the summer is going on.
I made the decision that I would stay through the 2013-2014 school year (unlike many of our other teachers, who pulled up stakes and left for greener pastures), because I felt I needed to stay there for my team and finish our transition to teaching Common Core standards. I'm the curriculum member of the team, so it's pretty much my baby. It seemed cruel to walk out the door right now. So, I'll see the transition through. But, like many other savvy rats, if this ship continues to sink I am out the door.
June is ballet summer intensive month, which means driving a van load of ballerinas to Pocatello every day, My daughter got her phone stolen the second week (we got it back), which made for three very bad days. However, she loved the actual classes and she did a wonderful job in their presentation of "La Fille Mal Gardee." Can't believe they actually pull together a full scale ballet in that amount of time, but they do and it is incredible.
Said dancer then had the toenails on her little toes partially removed. Very long story involving a three year-old, jumping on a couch, springs, and nastiness. Her toenails have been deformed ever since, and we'd reached the time where they needed to be dealt with. Having dealt with them, we are now doing wound care and putting up with a dancer who is sure she is going to die because she isn't dancing.
So, that's where I've been. I still have a great deal to say about these past 3 months ... but that will come later.
Right now, I am just thankful for the AC unit we bought yesterday. When your house is 90 degrees inside, life becomes pretty grim and depressing. Everyone devolves into whiny slugs. Not pretty. Today the household climate is much better. Only the injured dancer continued to sigh deeply while lolling about. Please insert a deep sigh of my own here.
Number one - health problems with my mom. She had what was originally thought to be heart issues (turns out her blood pressure is very erratic), so we have been dealing with that. Lots of visits to the ER, doctor appointments, and now we are finally working with home health. They come in to monitor her blood pressure and are doing physical therapy with her to improve her balance and help her deal with her osteoporosis. Folks, this woman is the poster child for osteoporosis. Honest. She is seriously a nightmare when it comes to bone density. Our neighbor read a set of her x-rays and seriously freaked out. Yup, it's that good. So we've been really busy with her health issues and Medicare.
This was also the time that my computer decided it was time to have health issues of its own. It started by doing weird little things, then moved on to major freezes and issues that had me screaming. I have a kid whose textbooks are online, which was maddening for her. I talked to a computer geek friend of mine about taking it in and basically had my face laughed in. "Babe, it's five years old! It's operating system can't handle what's out there anymore. Why throw good money after bad? Buy a new computer and send that old relic to Valhalla." Am I the only person who sometimes wants to smack their computer geek friends? So, sniffing and crying over my check book (not to mention feeling betrayed by my little green Dell ... something that may require therapy in future), I drug myself into Staples and threw myself on the mercy of my C.G.s (computer geek ... yup, I do acronyms) there. They commiserated (at least on the surface) with my trauma over being betrayed by my Dell's operating system etc., then led me by the hand to the display area. Knowing me as they do (she's a teacher guys, don't take her over to the BMW section), I was led to the sale area. "It's the last Lenovo Ultrabook of this model. They've got a new one coming out, so we've marked them down 50% to clear them out. This is the last one. You're going to save about 70% if you take this floor model though." Luckily, I'd done my homework and knew this to be a highly rated computer. So, I clapped my little hands and did the dance of joy. Gotta tell you, they love me at Staples. I think I amuse them because I like them so much. I like them so much because they take such good care of me. Always.
So, I went home with my new laptop loaded with Windows 8. I was busy with all the things you need to do when you get a new computer of course. I also had lots of end-of-the-year school assignments to do, plus several writing assignments. Suddenly, I found myself fighting over the computer with the other members of the family. No actual battles or preemptive strikes, but we did do our share of glaring over our own personal DMZ, accompanied by growls of "I need the computer now. Are you done? Yet?" That's when my daughter who is going into high school next year signed up for the school's Fast Track system. She can take online college courses (eight) the school will pay for, and get a leg up on her general education requirements etc. Okay. I went online to see if Dell had any promotions going and found a laptop for 50% off. Yup, I was feeling totally golden. So, the new baby arrived and there was peace in the land once more.
My school year ended, mercifully. This has been one of the hardest years ever. So much ugliness went on. I may post about that later, but not on this day. Our school district, like every other school district in our state, is being seriously underfunded by our state legislators. Therefore, we went to our patrons with a levy to help get us through. It was crushingly defeated by our patrons. Many of those who voted no did so because they are unhappy with our superintendent, administrators, and school board. They wanted to "send them a message." I don't know if they got any "message," but the ones left to bear the brunt of the massive cuts that had to be made were the kids and the teachers. One of the things they did was fire all the school librarians. So ... the year didn't end well at all. We keep hearing about more cuts as the summer is going on.
I made the decision that I would stay through the 2013-2014 school year (unlike many of our other teachers, who pulled up stakes and left for greener pastures), because I felt I needed to stay there for my team and finish our transition to teaching Common Core standards. I'm the curriculum member of the team, so it's pretty much my baby. It seemed cruel to walk out the door right now. So, I'll see the transition through. But, like many other savvy rats, if this ship continues to sink I am out the door.
June is ballet summer intensive month, which means driving a van load of ballerinas to Pocatello every day, My daughter got her phone stolen the second week (we got it back), which made for three very bad days. However, she loved the actual classes and she did a wonderful job in their presentation of "La Fille Mal Gardee." Can't believe they actually pull together a full scale ballet in that amount of time, but they do and it is incredible.
Said dancer then had the toenails on her little toes partially removed. Very long story involving a three year-old, jumping on a couch, springs, and nastiness. Her toenails have been deformed ever since, and we'd reached the time where they needed to be dealt with. Having dealt with them, we are now doing wound care and putting up with a dancer who is sure she is going to die because she isn't dancing.
So, that's where I've been. I still have a great deal to say about these past 3 months ... but that will come later.
Right now, I am just thankful for the AC unit we bought yesterday. When your house is 90 degrees inside, life becomes pretty grim and depressing. Everyone devolves into whiny slugs. Not pretty. Today the household climate is much better. Only the injured dancer continued to sigh deeply while lolling about. Please insert a deep sigh of my own here.
Sunday, March 10, 2013
Returning to Sandy Hook
My thoughts have often returned to the events of Sandy Hook over the past two months. It is something I know I will never forget. It has touched me and changed me.
On Friday, we were in the middle of a teacher workday at our school. The children had the day off so teachers could finish entering trimester grades into the computer and then export them to the server to be printed. It's the type of "catch-up day" we treasure as elementary teachers.
This normal day suddenly became anything but normal when our principal came on the loudspeaker shouting "Code Red! Code Red! Code Red!" This is our lock down signal, so we immediately sprang into action. Our doors are always locked now, but we had to make sure they were tightly closed, turn off all lights, and go to our safe places in the classroom. Then silence. For twenty long minutes there was not a sound. We didn't know what was going on. Had an irate parent arrived at the school and caused a scene? Was there a felon in the area? What was going on?
Then we heard the running of feet on the second floor. This is not an area we are used to hearing noise from. It is our main storage area and the location of all the "mechanical" devices keeping our school going. But now we heard the sound of running feet ... and then shouting. Angry shouting. Obviously there was an intruder in our building!
More minutes passed, and then the sound of keys opening my door. My heart froze. Okay, they tell us that only the police will have the keys to our room. Only they will be able to unlock our doors. They tell us this ... but we know that sometimes the "bad guys" are able to do what they shouldn't be able to do. Suddenly, my door was thrown open and two men stormed inside, each with an assault rifle held at the ready. Each screaming. One turned on me and started shouting - "Hands up! Hands up! Don't move! Police!" Your mind registers the uniform, but your heart quails - are you really who you say you are?" The assault rifle was a foot from my chest. The man continued to scream at me not to move. The other officer was searching every nook and cranny of my room before yelling "All clear!" They then turned and exited the room, going to the room next door where my 67 year-old teaching partner was. "Oh God, please don't let her have a heart attack!" I thought. Once her room was cleared, she tried to come to my room and was screamed at and forced back into her room by an officer.
At this point, the thought hit me. This is what the teachers and students at Sandy Hook faced. They didn't know what was going on. They were frightened. Their last moments were lived facing down an assault rifle. I thought of my family, my daughter, all I wanted to accomplish in my life. There was no gunfire, but I was unsure what was going on. My thought was that a felon had come into our school and they were searching for him. What if he came into my now unlocked room? (I was unaware that there were policemen securing the hallways to prevent this.) I was afraid, as I knew they had been afraid. That's when the silent sobs started. My heart swelled and broke for the horror those teachers and children endured on that day. I prayed that angels were there to comfort them and hold them through this. Oh God, please tell me that You were there, holding them and loving them. Slowly, my tears eased and a feeling of calm returned. A sweet assurance came to me. He was there. Even in all that madness, He was there. Love was there ... and in the face of all that horror, love won that day. It continues to win each and every battle, for God is stronger than hate, and His love cannot be defeated.
This trial ended for us when our principal finally came on the loudspeaker and announced that we were to report to the library for a debriefing on the drill. I'm not going to go into my feelings regarding this "over-the-top" drill we experienced. That's for another day. Today I am thankful to be here and to be surrounded by my family, to sing praises to a God who loves us at our most unlovable, and to breathe the sweet, if tentative, air of springtime. I am thankful for another day ... and I am thankful for the unconquerable power of love. Even in the face of death, love remains.
On Friday, we were in the middle of a teacher workday at our school. The children had the day off so teachers could finish entering trimester grades into the computer and then export them to the server to be printed. It's the type of "catch-up day" we treasure as elementary teachers.
This normal day suddenly became anything but normal when our principal came on the loudspeaker shouting "Code Red! Code Red! Code Red!" This is our lock down signal, so we immediately sprang into action. Our doors are always locked now, but we had to make sure they were tightly closed, turn off all lights, and go to our safe places in the classroom. Then silence. For twenty long minutes there was not a sound. We didn't know what was going on. Had an irate parent arrived at the school and caused a scene? Was there a felon in the area? What was going on?
Then we heard the running of feet on the second floor. This is not an area we are used to hearing noise from. It is our main storage area and the location of all the "mechanical" devices keeping our school going. But now we heard the sound of running feet ... and then shouting. Angry shouting. Obviously there was an intruder in our building!
More minutes passed, and then the sound of keys opening my door. My heart froze. Okay, they tell us that only the police will have the keys to our room. Only they will be able to unlock our doors. They tell us this ... but we know that sometimes the "bad guys" are able to do what they shouldn't be able to do. Suddenly, my door was thrown open and two men stormed inside, each with an assault rifle held at the ready. Each screaming. One turned on me and started shouting - "Hands up! Hands up! Don't move! Police!" Your mind registers the uniform, but your heart quails - are you really who you say you are?" The assault rifle was a foot from my chest. The man continued to scream at me not to move. The other officer was searching every nook and cranny of my room before yelling "All clear!" They then turned and exited the room, going to the room next door where my 67 year-old teaching partner was. "Oh God, please don't let her have a heart attack!" I thought. Once her room was cleared, she tried to come to my room and was screamed at and forced back into her room by an officer.
At this point, the thought hit me. This is what the teachers and students at Sandy Hook faced. They didn't know what was going on. They were frightened. Their last moments were lived facing down an assault rifle. I thought of my family, my daughter, all I wanted to accomplish in my life. There was no gunfire, but I was unsure what was going on. My thought was that a felon had come into our school and they were searching for him. What if he came into my now unlocked room? (I was unaware that there were policemen securing the hallways to prevent this.) I was afraid, as I knew they had been afraid. That's when the silent sobs started. My heart swelled and broke for the horror those teachers and children endured on that day. I prayed that angels were there to comfort them and hold them through this. Oh God, please tell me that You were there, holding them and loving them. Slowly, my tears eased and a feeling of calm returned. A sweet assurance came to me. He was there. Even in all that madness, He was there. Love was there ... and in the face of all that horror, love won that day. It continues to win each and every battle, for God is stronger than hate, and His love cannot be defeated.
This trial ended for us when our principal finally came on the loudspeaker and announced that we were to report to the library for a debriefing on the drill. I'm not going to go into my feelings regarding this "over-the-top" drill we experienced. That's for another day. Today I am thankful to be here and to be surrounded by my family, to sing praises to a God who loves us at our most unlovable, and to breathe the sweet, if tentative, air of springtime. I am thankful for another day ... and I am thankful for the unconquerable power of love. Even in the face of death, love remains.
Tuesday, March 5, 2013
Special Needs
As a teacher, I hear this term every day. Often many times a day. Today, it means something so much more than just a child who needs a great deal of help and a different approach in order to be successful.
Today I had a conversation with a dear friend of mine. Four years ago, she and her husband adopted a special needs child. They have become tireless advocates for their son. It breaks my heart that they have to be. They constantly have to fight with their local school to get him the help and care he needs. Frankly, as an educator, I can tell you that they have the makings for the mother of all lawsuits. Their child has been referred to as "a pain in the butt," "difficult to work with," and "a behavior problem" on documentation. Yes, you may now reel in disbelief.
They are something that this particular district hates - informed parents. They know their rights. They know their child's rights. They try to work within the system, but the system in this district has failed them. The special education staff has not only treated them with disrespect, they have determined to make it nearly impossible for this child and his family to be successful. They call meetings and testing times with little to no warning and at ridiculous times. Quite frankly, they do whatever they can to make things as hard as they can ... all the while denying this child the services he needs.
All this makes me sick. I find it offensive and horrible and just plain nasty. It has made me ashamed of the educators involved, for I know they know better.
Today, the story took on another turn. This time involving a situation at church. Their son has been ignored during the children's classes on Sunday. He is allowed to do whatever he wants, so long as he is not disruptive. He is not included in the lessons or activities. This has weighed heavily on my friend's heart. She knows that her son is capable of learning, and feels that he needs to learn about God and his Savior. Toward that end, she and her husband requested that a helper be arranged to work with their son during class ... to help him to be more involved. This request was granted, and the helper is excited about working with their son. Wonderful, right? Happy ending.
Unfortunately, it didn't end there. Since their request, they have ostracized by many members of their congregation AND their church leadership. What a blow! For now, they are determined to stick things out, praying that this situation will improve and that people will come to accept their son. For now. If this does not occur, they are facing the prospect of leaving their church and finding somewhere else to worship. They have been talking to other parents, and have found that this is not an isolated occurrence.
As a Christian, this has broken my heart. How sad when we become hearers of the word, but not followers of the word. This has helped me to see that my faith must be more than skin deep. It must penetrate to the very center of my heart ... I cannot be satisfied to be a hearer, or a follower. I must live the gospel with every breath I take.
This has also gotten me thinking about special needs. So often we merely concentrate on the educational needs of the child. It is really so much more. A special needs child has needs on many levels ... acceptance, respect, the chance to be all that they can be in every facet of their life, including their spiritual life. Plus, we must never forget that a special needs child has a family with special needs as well. They are weary with the daily fight they must wage for their little one. They need support, understanding, respect, and compassion.
I want to remember all this and engrave it on my heart
Today I had a conversation with a dear friend of mine. Four years ago, she and her husband adopted a special needs child. They have become tireless advocates for their son. It breaks my heart that they have to be. They constantly have to fight with their local school to get him the help and care he needs. Frankly, as an educator, I can tell you that they have the makings for the mother of all lawsuits. Their child has been referred to as "a pain in the butt," "difficult to work with," and "a behavior problem" on documentation. Yes, you may now reel in disbelief.
They are something that this particular district hates - informed parents. They know their rights. They know their child's rights. They try to work within the system, but the system in this district has failed them. The special education staff has not only treated them with disrespect, they have determined to make it nearly impossible for this child and his family to be successful. They call meetings and testing times with little to no warning and at ridiculous times. Quite frankly, they do whatever they can to make things as hard as they can ... all the while denying this child the services he needs.
All this makes me sick. I find it offensive and horrible and just plain nasty. It has made me ashamed of the educators involved, for I know they know better.
Today, the story took on another turn. This time involving a situation at church. Their son has been ignored during the children's classes on Sunday. He is allowed to do whatever he wants, so long as he is not disruptive. He is not included in the lessons or activities. This has weighed heavily on my friend's heart. She knows that her son is capable of learning, and feels that he needs to learn about God and his Savior. Toward that end, she and her husband requested that a helper be arranged to work with their son during class ... to help him to be more involved. This request was granted, and the helper is excited about working with their son. Wonderful, right? Happy ending.
Unfortunately, it didn't end there. Since their request, they have ostracized by many members of their congregation AND their church leadership. What a blow! For now, they are determined to stick things out, praying that this situation will improve and that people will come to accept their son. For now. If this does not occur, they are facing the prospect of leaving their church and finding somewhere else to worship. They have been talking to other parents, and have found that this is not an isolated occurrence.
As a Christian, this has broken my heart. How sad when we become hearers of the word, but not followers of the word. This has helped me to see that my faith must be more than skin deep. It must penetrate to the very center of my heart ... I cannot be satisfied to be a hearer, or a follower. I must live the gospel with every breath I take.
This has also gotten me thinking about special needs. So often we merely concentrate on the educational needs of the child. It is really so much more. A special needs child has needs on many levels ... acceptance, respect, the chance to be all that they can be in every facet of their life, including their spiritual life. Plus, we must never forget that a special needs child has a family with special needs as well. They are weary with the daily fight they must wage for their little one. They need support, understanding, respect, and compassion.
I want to remember all this and engrave it on my heart
Monday, February 18, 2013
Getting Schooled by My Child
I am the mother of ballerina. The last ten+ years of my life have been spent as a "Ballet Mom," which is a pretty far cry from a "Dance Mom" in my opinion. Ballet is my daughter's passion.
This month she tried out for the summer intensive at Ballet West in Salt Lake City with two of her best friends from the studio. The intensive is MUCH more popular this year due to the CW reality television show, "Breaking Pointe," which features the dancers of Ballet West. The parents were concerned going in that it was going to be much harder to land a spot this year, but you support your children's dreams and hope for the best.
We braved winter weather and roads to get to the audition. One of the girls, Mary, was suffering with tendinitis. My daughter was sick with a nasty cold. We worried. Would they do well? The auditions are closed, so we had no idea how things went. All three girls felt they did well, their abilities falling in the middle of the pack. They critiqued one another, and felt good about their chances. We braved the roads a second time to go home, and then the waiting began.
On the 15th I received a phone call at the dance shop from one of the other moms. I could barely hear her over the heartbroken sobbing of her daughter in the background. Then I finally made out what she was saying - "The other girls made it, but Bailee didn't." Punch in the gut. Tears came to my eyes. Mary was crying in sympathy for her best friend. It touched my heart, and I felt felt terrible. I knew how much Mary was depending on rooming with Bailee. They'd made so many plans together! I didn't want Mary's joy turned to sorrow this way. Then a text came from Aleks - "I feel like a jerk!" Their love for my daughter had trumped their success. Not much like what you see on "Dance Moms" according to what I've been told.
My thoughts turned to my daughter, too far away to gather into my arms and comfort. Was she in tears? She had class in less than an hour. Could she face that? My inner mama bear roared to the surface. I don't have any illusions about my daughter's skills when it comes to ballet. I've spent too many years working at the studio and seen too many dancers. She was as good as Mary and Aleks. What the heck?! Even the studio owner was stunned. She'd thought Bailee would be certain to get in. Why had she been cut? Size? She's only 5'2" ... but Aleks is the same size. Skill? Mary swears she nailed every combination thrown at her immediately. She danced as well as Mary had ever seen her dance. Age? She's 4 months older than Mary. Then the ugly demon rears his head ... was it because she was Asian? Man, I hate that mama bear! She was so angry, so irrational! My hands were shaking as I dialed our home phone number (raging about why my family had not IMMEDIATELY called me when the e-mail arrived). And I found ...
Total acceptance. My daughter was fine. Happy for her friends, no bitterness, no tears, no drama. Mama bear was at a loss. "Are you okay baby?" Her answer blew me away: "I'm fine with it. God just decided that the answer was no. There has to be a good reason, and I'm okay with that." She bounced off to dance like it was any other day, determined to share her friends' success and let them know it was okay to be happy about making it, even if she didn't. Um, how did I manage to raise a kid with faith like that? Especially when I was struggling with accepting this verdict and tears were streaming down my face?
Later that night, we talked about it. She admitted to having a bad, dark feeling after she got home from the audition. It just didn't feel right anymore. She hadn't wanted to say anything because we'd sacrificed so much to get her to the audition (including driving through a blizzard). Now I wonder if the rejection didn't verify those feelings as coming from her Father. "Not now little one. You won't know why, but I know best. For now, the answer is no. I love you, and I'm guiding your life and protecting you."
She's still fine. Still happy. Still supporting her friends as they prepare for their great adventure. My inner mama bear still growls from time to time. I want all her dreams to come true, but I also want the Lord to watch over her and keep her safe. This time, mama bear can't have it both ways. My daughter is schooling me about acceptance. The lesson isn't coming easily, but I'm hoping that eventually I'll be able to just drive that bear away, dry the tears that still fall sometimes, and accept what my daughter already knows - God knows best, even when He says no.
She'll go to her usual summer intensive in Pocatello, and she'll have an opportunity to work with teachers from around the U.S. She'll love every second of it, and love sharing the experience with Mary and Aleks. When they head off to Salt Lake in July, we'll pursue something else for Bailee. She'll still be dancing ... or at least will be when she isn't texting her best buddies in Salt Lake and cheering them on. Maybe next year it will be an experience they'll be able to share. God willing ...
This month she tried out for the summer intensive at Ballet West in Salt Lake City with two of her best friends from the studio. The intensive is MUCH more popular this year due to the CW reality television show, "Breaking Pointe," which features the dancers of Ballet West. The parents were concerned going in that it was going to be much harder to land a spot this year, but you support your children's dreams and hope for the best.
We braved winter weather and roads to get to the audition. One of the girls, Mary, was suffering with tendinitis. My daughter was sick with a nasty cold. We worried. Would they do well? The auditions are closed, so we had no idea how things went. All three girls felt they did well, their abilities falling in the middle of the pack. They critiqued one another, and felt good about their chances. We braved the roads a second time to go home, and then the waiting began.
On the 15th I received a phone call at the dance shop from one of the other moms. I could barely hear her over the heartbroken sobbing of her daughter in the background. Then I finally made out what she was saying - "The other girls made it, but Bailee didn't." Punch in the gut. Tears came to my eyes. Mary was crying in sympathy for her best friend. It touched my heart, and I felt felt terrible. I knew how much Mary was depending on rooming with Bailee. They'd made so many plans together! I didn't want Mary's joy turned to sorrow this way. Then a text came from Aleks - "I feel like a jerk!" Their love for my daughter had trumped their success. Not much like what you see on "Dance Moms" according to what I've been told.
My thoughts turned to my daughter, too far away to gather into my arms and comfort. Was she in tears? She had class in less than an hour. Could she face that? My inner mama bear roared to the surface. I don't have any illusions about my daughter's skills when it comes to ballet. I've spent too many years working at the studio and seen too many dancers. She was as good as Mary and Aleks. What the heck?! Even the studio owner was stunned. She'd thought Bailee would be certain to get in. Why had she been cut? Size? She's only 5'2" ... but Aleks is the same size. Skill? Mary swears she nailed every combination thrown at her immediately. She danced as well as Mary had ever seen her dance. Age? She's 4 months older than Mary. Then the ugly demon rears his head ... was it because she was Asian? Man, I hate that mama bear! She was so angry, so irrational! My hands were shaking as I dialed our home phone number (raging about why my family had not IMMEDIATELY called me when the e-mail arrived). And I found ...
Total acceptance. My daughter was fine. Happy for her friends, no bitterness, no tears, no drama. Mama bear was at a loss. "Are you okay baby?" Her answer blew me away: "I'm fine with it. God just decided that the answer was no. There has to be a good reason, and I'm okay with that." She bounced off to dance like it was any other day, determined to share her friends' success and let them know it was okay to be happy about making it, even if she didn't. Um, how did I manage to raise a kid with faith like that? Especially when I was struggling with accepting this verdict and tears were streaming down my face?
Later that night, we talked about it. She admitted to having a bad, dark feeling after she got home from the audition. It just didn't feel right anymore. She hadn't wanted to say anything because we'd sacrificed so much to get her to the audition (including driving through a blizzard). Now I wonder if the rejection didn't verify those feelings as coming from her Father. "Not now little one. You won't know why, but I know best. For now, the answer is no. I love you, and I'm guiding your life and protecting you."
She's still fine. Still happy. Still supporting her friends as they prepare for their great adventure. My inner mama bear still growls from time to time. I want all her dreams to come true, but I also want the Lord to watch over her and keep her safe. This time, mama bear can't have it both ways. My daughter is schooling me about acceptance. The lesson isn't coming easily, but I'm hoping that eventually I'll be able to just drive that bear away, dry the tears that still fall sometimes, and accept what my daughter already knows - God knows best, even when He says no.
She'll go to her usual summer intensive in Pocatello, and she'll have an opportunity to work with teachers from around the U.S. She'll love every second of it, and love sharing the experience with Mary and Aleks. When they head off to Salt Lake in July, we'll pursue something else for Bailee. She'll still be dancing ... or at least will be when she isn't texting her best buddies in Salt Lake and cheering them on. Maybe next year it will be an experience they'll be able to share. God willing ...
Friday, January 18, 2013
Oh my ...
We're finding out just how nasty and contaigious norovirus is. It's made it's way from one family member to another, and has even done some repeat business. No fun!
Sunday, December 30, 2012
New Year's Resolutions? Get Real!
Over the past couple of weeks I have found myself possessed by a growing spirit of rebellion. I'm finding myself willing to throw several things "under the bus" so to speak. For some reason, they do not seem to matter so much anymore.
So, here comes the New Year and the resolutions everyone seems to assume that you will make (and eventually break, given human nature). People inquire, as a matter of general conversation, "What are YOUR resolutions this year?"
"Nothing."
Stunned silence. Lifted eyebrows. A disbelieving, "Nothing?"
Yuppers. Nothing. No resolutions here. No lofty goals. No magnificent aspirations. Zip. Nada. Zero.
Oh, the horror! No goals? Inconceivable! (Don't you just LOVE The Princess Bride? I do.)
Am I committing to accomplishing nothing? To making no growth? To making no changes? Apparently this is what many believe. I may as well announce myself as a sluggard and bum in the eyes of some of my friends. I seriously think one in particular thinks I am just short of joining the forces of Satan. Doesn't matter. No resolutions for me! No goals. No aspirations.
I should probably insert dramatic and ominous music here, as that's the response my admission is getting from my very goal oriented friends and acquaintances. Sorry, my resolve (ironic ... isn't it) is firm. I resolve not to resolve.
For once I don't want to begin a new year with a check list in hand - a check list that will define me and control me, and eventually condemn me. Don't wanna do it, so I am not. I'm just going to move into 2013 a rudderless craft sure to end up broken on the threatening shores (according to my buds). That's okay. I don't need that list. I know where I'm going and I know what I want. This year I'm going to move ahead without that checklist. I'm going to concentrate more on living my life than fulfilling a list of goals. I came to the conclusion that checking things (and people) off on a list of goals and projects is NOT how I want to live my life. I want to move forward this year choosing to do what is right because it is right. I want to be consumed heart and soul by the choices I make regarding what I do and what I devote my time to. Life isn't a checklist, and I don't want to be defined by one.
So, here comes the New Year and the resolutions everyone seems to assume that you will make (and eventually break, given human nature). People inquire, as a matter of general conversation, "What are YOUR resolutions this year?"
"Nothing."
Stunned silence. Lifted eyebrows. A disbelieving, "Nothing?"
Yuppers. Nothing. No resolutions here. No lofty goals. No magnificent aspirations. Zip. Nada. Zero.
Oh, the horror! No goals? Inconceivable! (Don't you just LOVE The Princess Bride? I do.)
Am I committing to accomplishing nothing? To making no growth? To making no changes? Apparently this is what many believe. I may as well announce myself as a sluggard and bum in the eyes of some of my friends. I seriously think one in particular thinks I am just short of joining the forces of Satan. Doesn't matter. No resolutions for me! No goals. No aspirations.
I should probably insert dramatic and ominous music here, as that's the response my admission is getting from my very goal oriented friends and acquaintances. Sorry, my resolve (ironic ... isn't it) is firm. I resolve not to resolve.
For once I don't want to begin a new year with a check list in hand - a check list that will define me and control me, and eventually condemn me. Don't wanna do it, so I am not. I'm just going to move into 2013 a rudderless craft sure to end up broken on the threatening shores (according to my buds). That's okay. I don't need that list. I know where I'm going and I know what I want. This year I'm going to move ahead without that checklist. I'm going to concentrate more on living my life than fulfilling a list of goals. I came to the conclusion that checking things (and people) off on a list of goals and projects is NOT how I want to live my life. I want to move forward this year choosing to do what is right because it is right. I want to be consumed heart and soul by the choices I make regarding what I do and what I devote my time to. Life isn't a checklist, and I don't want to be defined by one.
Happy New Year!
Wednesday, December 26, 2012
Sandy Hook Broke My Heart
I couldn't post before. I just couldn't. I have cried more in the last week than I have in the last five years. My heart was absolutely ripped to pieces over this atrocity.
As a teacher, this has been especially hard for me. It hits close to home. Way too close. When I was driving to school on the 17th (with a great deal of trepidation - I admit), the radio station I was listening to dedicated Kurt Bestor's "Prayer of the Children" to the victims. I sobbed. This was especially powerful, because my daughter's dance group danced to this song when she was close to the age of those sweet babies who were gunned down. I was a mess when I got to work.
We met as a faculty before school started to discuss new safety procedures we would institute immediately ... classroom doors locked 24/7, ID checks for anyone wishing access to the school, forbidding parents from trying to get students off the buses while they were being loaded, etc. Our school is one of the safest in the district, with controlled access and fire doors that can section off (and lock off) parts of our very large school. However, facing the type of military grade firearms people have access to these days, you feel totally vulnerable. As one teacher said, "Given the right weapon, they could blow out a wall."
When I walked into my classroom I was hit again. Looking around my classroom, I immediately visualized how we hide during a lockdown. My imagination took over and played out our own version of Sandy Hook. I nearly threw up, visualizing my own students in danger. I thought about those teachers and administrators who lost their lives. I hope that those teachers felt valued by their community before they were called upon to make that ultimate sacrifice. I thought about how the teachers in our state have been villified, demonized, and degraded. Yet, the parents writing letters to the editor or commenting on the internet felt that it was the teachers' duty to keep the children safe and that they should be expected to die defending them. I sincerely pray that those six teachers felt they were appreciated and respected for the job they did everyday.
I worried as the time ticked by for the children's arrival. Would they be afraid? How could I reassure them? There were no ready answers, but I found I didn't need any. When the children arrived at school, their faces were not marked by fear. They were filled with the same youthful exuberance and anticipation of Christmas which they'd left with the previous Friday. I saw trust in those eyes. But most importantly, I saw hope. Instead of helping my children, they ended up helping me. I had lost a great deal of hope for this world of ours ... they reminded me that where there is life, there is hope. They also reminded me that, while evil may have its day, good will win out in the end.
Now the debate rages about how to protect our schools and our children. It will cost money, and no one want to hear that. Should we arm teachers? I don't see myself as Rambo, and I am not arrogant enough to believe that I could handle a situation that trained professionals find difficult. So far, the only "solution" voiced that really struck any kind of chord with me was to have National Guardsmen or veterans stationed in our schools. These are people who are trained to deal with high risk, life-or-death situations. We don't have enough policemen to cover every school in America, but we do have enough members of our armed forces. Frankly, I think protecting our schools is far more important than maintaining a presence in Afghanistan, Pakistan, Iraq, etc. If Americans truly value their children, it's time for them to prove it.
As a teacher, this has been especially hard for me. It hits close to home. Way too close. When I was driving to school on the 17th (with a great deal of trepidation - I admit), the radio station I was listening to dedicated Kurt Bestor's "Prayer of the Children" to the victims. I sobbed. This was especially powerful, because my daughter's dance group danced to this song when she was close to the age of those sweet babies who were gunned down. I was a mess when I got to work.
We met as a faculty before school started to discuss new safety procedures we would institute immediately ... classroom doors locked 24/7, ID checks for anyone wishing access to the school, forbidding parents from trying to get students off the buses while they were being loaded, etc. Our school is one of the safest in the district, with controlled access and fire doors that can section off (and lock off) parts of our very large school. However, facing the type of military grade firearms people have access to these days, you feel totally vulnerable. As one teacher said, "Given the right weapon, they could blow out a wall."
When I walked into my classroom I was hit again. Looking around my classroom, I immediately visualized how we hide during a lockdown. My imagination took over and played out our own version of Sandy Hook. I nearly threw up, visualizing my own students in danger. I thought about those teachers and administrators who lost their lives. I hope that those teachers felt valued by their community before they were called upon to make that ultimate sacrifice. I thought about how the teachers in our state have been villified, demonized, and degraded. Yet, the parents writing letters to the editor or commenting on the internet felt that it was the teachers' duty to keep the children safe and that they should be expected to die defending them. I sincerely pray that those six teachers felt they were appreciated and respected for the job they did everyday.
I worried as the time ticked by for the children's arrival. Would they be afraid? How could I reassure them? There were no ready answers, but I found I didn't need any. When the children arrived at school, their faces were not marked by fear. They were filled with the same youthful exuberance and anticipation of Christmas which they'd left with the previous Friday. I saw trust in those eyes. But most importantly, I saw hope. Instead of helping my children, they ended up helping me. I had lost a great deal of hope for this world of ours ... they reminded me that where there is life, there is hope. They also reminded me that, while evil may have its day, good will win out in the end.
Now the debate rages about how to protect our schools and our children. It will cost money, and no one want to hear that. Should we arm teachers? I don't see myself as Rambo, and I am not arrogant enough to believe that I could handle a situation that trained professionals find difficult. So far, the only "solution" voiced that really struck any kind of chord with me was to have National Guardsmen or veterans stationed in our schools. These are people who are trained to deal with high risk, life-or-death situations. We don't have enough policemen to cover every school in America, but we do have enough members of our armed forces. Frankly, I think protecting our schools is far more important than maintaining a presence in Afghanistan, Pakistan, Iraq, etc. If Americans truly value their children, it's time for them to prove it.
Sunday, December 9, 2012
My daughter is a dancer. I hate dance!
Okay, anyone who knows me or has been reading this blog for any period of time would probably say, "What do you mean? You love dance! You work for the studio. You do costumes. You drive ballerinas to classes and intensives all year. You support your daughter in everything she does. How can you say you hate dance?"
It's December.
Any dance mom would respond, "Oh. Well of course. That explains everything. December. Yeah. That's the pits." For the rest of you ... here's a little background.
December is probably the biggest performance month of the year. Not only are dancers doing huge performances of The Nutcracker, A Christmas Carol, Amahl and the Night Visitors, or any of a thousand themed recitals ... there are also tons of community events that said dancers are invited to perform at. Gotta share those talents. Gotta promote the studio. It's a huge time committment.
The ballerina in question is now dancing 25+ hours a week. This week the total was 32 hours. This is in addition to school (and her junior high thinks that December is the month for big projects - oh, how I hate them), and life in general. This weekend I haven't seen my daughter since Saturday at 9 am, when I dropped her off at rehearsal. It is now Sunday afternoon. The girls decided to have a dance sleepover so they could celebrate one of the dancer's birthday PLUS get to the studio to work on sets today. I admire her work ethic. I really do.
But, I hate dance.
It's the holidays. I yearn to do all those family traditions. She's at dance. The church youth group has holiday activities scheduled. She's at dance. Her non-dancing friends want her to come to support them at concerts and performances. She's at dance. Her room/bathroom is about to become a Super Fund Cleanup Site. She's at dance. We want to watch some holday movies. She's at dance. We want to decorate the house. She's at dance. We want to make Christmas goodies for our neighbors and family. She's at dance. Today I gathered two loads of laundry from her bedroom floor. Get the idea? I want my daughter back.
Okay, I know that come December 15th, I will be one of the proudest moms at their performance. My daughter is not just a dancer anymore, she's one of the studio principles, AND she also is a teaching assistant. This is a new production, which easily quadrupled the work load of putting it on. If I am being honest, I must admit to myself that my case of dance resentment is a result of what is going on in our family as well. During the past five weeks I have taken my sister to the ER three times and my mother twice. As the primary caretaker for both of them, I am feeling overwhelmed. Dance has robbed me of my best helper, and quite frankly one of the few rays of sunshine to be had lately. Dance is also becoming a metaphor for my daughter growing up and away from me, which is something I am struggling with at the moment.
Do I really hate dance? No, because it's my daughter's passion and she loves it. When she steps out on the boards next Saturday, my heart will explode in pride. However, there's still going to be that selfish little mom in my heart screaming "Bring on December 16th! I want my baby back!" So, until then I will just keep plugging away as "support staff." But from December 16th to January 2nd, she is MINE! MINE! MINE!
Thursday, November 22, 2012
Happy Thanksgiving
Happy Thanksgiving All!
I am so grateful for so many things. Today I'm going to be specific though. I am thankful for a chance to step away from the world. That's right, I will not be joining all those folks already queing up at stores all over town. I think today should be a time to celebrate being thankful for what we have ... not focusing on acquiring more. Call me the "anti-consumer" if you wish, but that is how I feel. I think it's criminal that Thanksgiving has been usurped by Black Friday. Absolutely shameful ... and I totally mean that.
I am currently quite sick, so I have really appreciated a certain 14-year-old who has showed a great deal of compassion and helped me out. The pies are done. The turkey is stuffed and cooking. The squash rolls are done. The cranberries are currently bubbling in the pot (well on the way to being done). All that remains is smashing potatoes and making my Mystic Seaport green/wax beans with a mustard sauce. Our Thanksgiving is down to just our immediate family this year (thanks to Bailee and I being sick). I'm trying to keep it simple ... and it has been a very good thing. Thoreau had it right!
The sun is shining today (yesterday was cold and very windy). There's still a stiff breeze, but nothing like yesterday. I'd rather have a snowy day reminiscent of the days of my youth. This makes travel easier, I know, so I won't grouse too much. Still, I like it when winter weather wraps us up in a fluffy blanket and slows us down. We need to slow down. We need to stop running around and concentrate on what's right in front of us. We forget that all too often.
So - today is all about slowing down and appreciating the blessings of family. I hope you have the opportunity to do the same.
Sunday, November 11, 2012
A Sigh of Relief
Just a quick note:
The education reforms in our state (Propositions 1, 2, and 3) went down in a crashing defeat on election day. A mandate from the people of our state to go back and reformat reform that included input from all stakeholders.
A collective sigh of relief was given by one and all.
The hard work of reform now begins (with the first meeting of the Education Task Force being held this Wednesday), but I am thrilled that, this time around, everyone - from parents, to teachers, to students will have a voice.
The education reforms in our state (Propositions 1, 2, and 3) went down in a crashing defeat on election day. A mandate from the people of our state to go back and reformat reform that included input from all stakeholders.
A collective sigh of relief was given by one and all.
The hard work of reform now begins (with the first meeting of the Education Task Force being held this Wednesday), but I am thrilled that, this time around, everyone - from parents, to teachers, to students will have a voice.
Lake Wobegon Girl
I wasn't born in Minnesota ... but I consider myself a Minnesotan. My parents (and a LONG line of ancestors) called Minnesota home. Despite growing up in Montana (where my dad was transferred with the Northern Pacific Railroad), our parents raised us with Minnesotan sensibilities and all things Minnesota infused our daily life. They sought out foods and products that were familiar. Land O Lakes butter was a staple, and our mother was always on the lookout for Creamettes salad macaroni.
Tuna hotdish was a frequent item on the dinner menu, along with green jello and a variety of other casseroles.
I never really thought much about it until our uncle treated us to a visit to a taping of "A Prairie Home Companion" when we went for a visit one summer. This introduction to Lake Wobegon was like coming home. It was a world I understood. I "got" all the jokes. I chuckled because my relatives could have been any one of the characters Garrison Keillor brought to life.
It has been a staple in my life ever since. First, as a planned visit to NPR on Saturday evenings ... and later as tapes, books, and CDs. Most recently, I discovered a phone app - NPR Life Culture which features News from Lake Wobegon. Heaven!
So, if you'll excuse me ... I'm off for a visit to my second home, where all the women are strong, all the men are good-looking, and all of the children are above average. I may even eat a Powder Milk Biscuit while I'm at it!
Tuesday, November 6, 2012
Daylight Savings Time - My Love/Hate Relationship
Time to fall back. Some folks refer to the spring counterpart as "springing forward." I refer to it as "falling forward." On your face. Hard. I hate messing with the time.
So, you would think that I would love this time change. I tolerate it better, but I still hate it. I don't like seeing the sun set before 5:00 p.m. It depresses me. Of course, going to work when it is pitch dark out and kids are walking to school with flashlights is ridiculous too. Lose-lose in my book.
Yup Cheri, whine and moan. What's your solution? Believe it or not, I have one. A good one! Give us every drop of light at night that we can get. Don't fall back. Okay? That solves the whole sickeningly early sunset issue.
On the other end, don't mess with the clocks - change the schedules! Let's all start work and school an hour later. Perfection, right? You know you secretly love the idea. Sleep in an extra hour in the morning. Go to work in the daylight. Enjoy some extra daylight at night.
Of course, no one listens to me. Apparently Ben Franklin has more street cred than yours truly. I still like my idea though ...
So, you would think that I would love this time change. I tolerate it better, but I still hate it. I don't like seeing the sun set before 5:00 p.m. It depresses me. Of course, going to work when it is pitch dark out and kids are walking to school with flashlights is ridiculous too. Lose-lose in my book.
Yup Cheri, whine and moan. What's your solution? Believe it or not, I have one. A good one! Give us every drop of light at night that we can get. Don't fall back. Okay? That solves the whole sickeningly early sunset issue.
On the other end, don't mess with the clocks - change the schedules! Let's all start work and school an hour later. Perfection, right? You know you secretly love the idea. Sleep in an extra hour in the morning. Go to work in the daylight. Enjoy some extra daylight at night.
Of course, no one listens to me. Apparently Ben Franklin has more street cred than yours truly. I still like my idea though ...
We all need a little more time to hibernate
during the winter!
Sunday, November 4, 2012
So What if These Education "Reforms" Pass
Our state is embroiled in a heavy debate regading education reform. This reform was sprung on people out of the blue - no mention of it was made during the election of the state superintendent. These three propositions basically did away with all master agreements between teachers and districts, striped them of tenure (and any other rights), allowed teachers to only discuss pay and benefits, introduced a merit pay system that had to be earned by teams (based on state test results) and could only be earned by teachers in certain areas (others need not apply), would provide laptops to all ninth graders, and would require students to take online classes in high school.
Teachers and parents have protested, because they were given no input on these reforms. Hundreds traveled to the state capital to comment on these bills - but their voices were ignored. Parents organized and spent months getting petitions signed to put the bills up for a vote. They succeeded, and the propositions are now on the ballot.
To say that things have gotten ugly is an understatement. Frank Vandersloot, the owner of Melaleuca, has led the charge against "union thugs who are trying to take over Idaho's education." This thugs (the classroom teachers) have been accused of horrible things ... I just read a commentary that said the union thugs embraced bullying others, picketing businesses, and even said they were capable of murdering their opposition. Whoa. I didn't realize that kindergarten teacher with the puppets was worse than the Mafia!
I have been trying to understand why people are so hateful about this, and I can only come up with the notion that Mr. Vandersloot is so afraid of his own workers unionizing that he is fearful of any organized group of employees having any say at all. Of course, most of the supporters of the Vote No group are parents, but they're probably pretty dangerous too.
I'm voting no because I believe teacher's should have a say in what goes on in their job. We don't sign away our first amendment rights when we sign our teaching certificates.
I believe that merit pay should NOT be earned by teams or be based JUST on testing scores. Every teacher should have an opportunity to earn this, and it should be based on frequent observations of teaching, student engagement, and the effort the teacher puts into their work. Testing can play a part, but it should not be the lion's share. Would you want your worth based on one to four days of your year? It should be fully and consistently funded (this go round they cut teacher pay to fund it - yes, I know that doesn't make any sense).
I am against the technology strand because it has been so poorly researched. The state has refused to acknowledge the hidden costs beyond the laptops (no mention of the cost of site licenses, tech support, repair, wiring updates, docking stations for charging, internet support, extra servers, filtering for pornography and viruses, etc.) The current deal with HP is to RENT the laptops, with the state bearing the liability of loss or breakage. They are liable for $1100 per computer. The $51 million price tag that was fed to the legislature last year, has now ballooned to $189 million - again, JUST for the laptops.
I have no problem with making online classes available, but requiring them of all students is a mistake. Hundreds of students who have taken online classes have come forward to talk about their experiences. Some liked the option, while others had terrible experiences and either failed or felt they accomplished nothing. The state complains about "one size fits all" education systems, but then turns around and tries to enforce the same on our students. It is also suspicious that the state superintendent's chief election contributors were for profit online education companies.
So ... what has it been like teaching under these laws for the past year? Horrid. The voices of teachers have been silenced. My sister's district even imposed a gag order, forbidding the teachers to discuss or complain about the propositions with anyone (even one another) while on school property. They could not wear anything that could be interpreted as political, nor display anything politically related on their vehicles. We no longer have a say in anything. We are dictated to. Teacher's live in fear, because one false move or word could cost you your job. You feel entirely vulnerable.
My team performed very well on the state tests (with proficiency levels running from 90to 100%) with the exception of one teacher - who scored in the 70s. This failure reflected on all of us and cost us dearly. A bitter pill to swallow during these tough economic times ... and especially dire after five years of budget freezes and cuts. It's hard to accept that 4 days dictates your value and future. I also have a hard time accepting these multiple choice tests as a true representation of my student's ability. In my opinion, the questions are poorly written and vague at times. It is more important to me that my students are able to apply what they have learned to real life situations and problems.
My own daughter is balking at the prospect of taking online classes (how boring!) and is saying she will refuse to do so. Okay, obviously she's been taught about Thoreau and civil disobedience by her junior high teachers.
So ... what if the uber right, anti-union, anti teacher faction is successful and these laws are retained? I am praying they are not. Obviously, things will get even worse for teachers. We've dared to stand up and oppose the state machine, and there's no doubt we will be punished for doing so (yes, sadly this has happened before, after teachers marched on the state capital. An act of defiance we paid for dearly). Our best teachers will leave. Many are already preparing to do so, just in case. But what about me? Let's make this personal. One teacher ... one family.
I will leave teaching in this state. I will qualify to retire under the Rule of 90, and I will take that option. I had intended to teach 5-10 more years. I love teaching. Unfortunately, I no longer love teaching in the state of Idaho. My gut reaction is to put the house up for sale and relocate our family to Washington state. The only thing that stands in the way of this decision is my daughter's love for her friends and her dance studio. She still has four more years of school.
I am concerned for my fellow teachers. The level of stress teachers are under is horrific. I have talked to many colleagues who are experiencing severe stress related illnesses and conditions. When doctors are recommending "getting out of teaching" as a treatment, you have to acknowledge that something is very wrong. As much as we love this profession, a job is not worth dying for.
Teachers and parents have protested, because they were given no input on these reforms. Hundreds traveled to the state capital to comment on these bills - but their voices were ignored. Parents organized and spent months getting petitions signed to put the bills up for a vote. They succeeded, and the propositions are now on the ballot.
To say that things have gotten ugly is an understatement. Frank Vandersloot, the owner of Melaleuca, has led the charge against "union thugs who are trying to take over Idaho's education." This thugs (the classroom teachers) have been accused of horrible things ... I just read a commentary that said the union thugs embraced bullying others, picketing businesses, and even said they were capable of murdering their opposition. Whoa. I didn't realize that kindergarten teacher with the puppets was worse than the Mafia!
I have been trying to understand why people are so hateful about this, and I can only come up with the notion that Mr. Vandersloot is so afraid of his own workers unionizing that he is fearful of any organized group of employees having any say at all. Of course, most of the supporters of the Vote No group are parents, but they're probably pretty dangerous too.
I'm voting no because I believe teacher's should have a say in what goes on in their job. We don't sign away our first amendment rights when we sign our teaching certificates.
I believe that merit pay should NOT be earned by teams or be based JUST on testing scores. Every teacher should have an opportunity to earn this, and it should be based on frequent observations of teaching, student engagement, and the effort the teacher puts into their work. Testing can play a part, but it should not be the lion's share. Would you want your worth based on one to four days of your year? It should be fully and consistently funded (this go round they cut teacher pay to fund it - yes, I know that doesn't make any sense).
I am against the technology strand because it has been so poorly researched. The state has refused to acknowledge the hidden costs beyond the laptops (no mention of the cost of site licenses, tech support, repair, wiring updates, docking stations for charging, internet support, extra servers, filtering for pornography and viruses, etc.) The current deal with HP is to RENT the laptops, with the state bearing the liability of loss or breakage. They are liable for $1100 per computer. The $51 million price tag that was fed to the legislature last year, has now ballooned to $189 million - again, JUST for the laptops.
I have no problem with making online classes available, but requiring them of all students is a mistake. Hundreds of students who have taken online classes have come forward to talk about their experiences. Some liked the option, while others had terrible experiences and either failed or felt they accomplished nothing. The state complains about "one size fits all" education systems, but then turns around and tries to enforce the same on our students. It is also suspicious that the state superintendent's chief election contributors were for profit online education companies.
So ... what has it been like teaching under these laws for the past year? Horrid. The voices of teachers have been silenced. My sister's district even imposed a gag order, forbidding the teachers to discuss or complain about the propositions with anyone (even one another) while on school property. They could not wear anything that could be interpreted as political, nor display anything politically related on their vehicles. We no longer have a say in anything. We are dictated to. Teacher's live in fear, because one false move or word could cost you your job. You feel entirely vulnerable.
My team performed very well on the state tests (with proficiency levels running from 90to 100%) with the exception of one teacher - who scored in the 70s. This failure reflected on all of us and cost us dearly. A bitter pill to swallow during these tough economic times ... and especially dire after five years of budget freezes and cuts. It's hard to accept that 4 days dictates your value and future. I also have a hard time accepting these multiple choice tests as a true representation of my student's ability. In my opinion, the questions are poorly written and vague at times. It is more important to me that my students are able to apply what they have learned to real life situations and problems.
My own daughter is balking at the prospect of taking online classes (how boring!) and is saying she will refuse to do so. Okay, obviously she's been taught about Thoreau and civil disobedience by her junior high teachers.
So ... what if the uber right, anti-union, anti teacher faction is successful and these laws are retained? I am praying they are not. Obviously, things will get even worse for teachers. We've dared to stand up and oppose the state machine, and there's no doubt we will be punished for doing so (yes, sadly this has happened before, after teachers marched on the state capital. An act of defiance we paid for dearly). Our best teachers will leave. Many are already preparing to do so, just in case. But what about me? Let's make this personal. One teacher ... one family.
I will leave teaching in this state. I will qualify to retire under the Rule of 90, and I will take that option. I had intended to teach 5-10 more years. I love teaching. Unfortunately, I no longer love teaching in the state of Idaho. My gut reaction is to put the house up for sale and relocate our family to Washington state. The only thing that stands in the way of this decision is my daughter's love for her friends and her dance studio. She still has four more years of school.
I am concerned for my fellow teachers. The level of stress teachers are under is horrific. I have talked to many colleagues who are experiencing severe stress related illnesses and conditions. When doctors are recommending "getting out of teaching" as a treatment, you have to acknowledge that something is very wrong. As much as we love this profession, a job is not worth dying for.
Sunday, October 28, 2012
What the Heck! Where did the last few months go?
I get irritated when I am following a blog and people don't update ... for a month ... for months ... for an entire season, or two. I'm sure you get the idea. You check back, and there is the same old OLD news. I hate it.
And now I'm guilty. As charged. Lock me up. Throw away the key. Force me to blog.
Of course, like most guilty parties, I will scream out
But, but, but ...
And now I'm guilty. As charged. Lock me up. Throw away the key. Force me to blog.
Of course, like most guilty parties, I will scream out
"Please! Let me explain!"
Sorry sister. No excuses for you!
But, but, but ...
- School started in August! It was crazy demanding. They added a ton of new programs and requirements. I thought I would die. I thought I would lose my mind.
- My sister has been having trouble with kidney stones. Ya gotta step up and help, right?
- My mom is ... well, this is the harder one. She's aging. There are more physical issues, of course. No big. Totally prepared to deal with that. She finally quit hating us for not letting her drive. Praise God, 'cause that one was tough. However, I am not ready to deal with the mental aspect of aging. I don't want to. I hate it. She gets so confused sometimes, and she forgets so many things. She gets angry at us for not telling her things. But we did. Usually several times. It's especially hard on the resident teenager. She responds by getting angry. I can understand that. It's a grief response. Her grandmother is changing, and that sucks. Luckily, and believe me when I say I am hanging on to this one, she is not suffering from the BIG A or full on dementia. This may stink, but it could be so much worse. I'm starting to accept that I am changing roles with my mom. I am becoming her caretaker now ... making sure that she is safe and making sure that the important things are monitored and remembered. Not fun, but it is part of the circle of life, and I can't change that.
- The whole political thing has made life stressful. Our state is facing a recall vote on some education reforms that were rushed through the legislature in 2011. I've been writing about that in other venues, and I've been speaking out about the foolishness of these laws. I have to tell you, I have seen some true ugliness from people I thought knew better. Teachers have been demonized and villified. Very demoralizing.
- The resident 14 year-old ballerina is dancing non-stop. She is now working as a teaching assisstant at her studio - her first real job. She's having a ball, but it sure has complicated our lives when it comes to arranging transportation (she now has to be at the studio before I get home from work) and getting homework done. There have definitely been a few rough patches, and some poor math grades because she was rushing through assignments, but I think we're getting this under control. I've discovered that I have to swallow my pride and reach out for help when I need it. Bless those angels who have come through for me!
- My three jobs have returned to two for a little while. My copywriting job for the campground association is a victim of the seasonal nature of the association. I am actually okay with that. I can use the extra time ... and we've been having problems with our computer lately. It's all good.
- My favorite principal of all time has just been reassigned to the huge new high school that will open next year. I am thrilled for her. She's going to do an amazing job. I am selfishly devastated. I'm going to miss working with her, and I hate to think about what our school will be like without her.
- I've been in charge of our school-wide reading incentive program. Like a fool, I started it off with a huge kickoff assembly that nearly killed me. Whew! The good part is that the program is perking right along. The bad part, it's time to give the kids another "shot in the arm" to keep them going. Time to pull another rabbit from my hat.
- Yards and gardens have to be dealt with. With Sister Kidney Stone, Grandma, and Ballerina Bailee, that has left the kiddo in the mirror to deal. Ick. I'd like to say that I'm done, but that would be a baldfaced lie. I still have some things to do, but I'm forced to working in between snowstorms now. I'm focused on Monday and Tuesday - with temps around 60 degrees predicted. I will get this thing done!
- I have turned into the Scrooge of Halloween. When my sis asked about what we were going to do about the trick-or-treaters (meaning of course, "What delightful treat will we be passing out this year?"); I replied, "Let's just turn off the porch light." See? Really Scroogey! (Honestly, is that a word? If not, it should be.)
So, can I get some form of forgiveness? Something? Anything? I promise that I'll attempt to do better. Don't give up on me. It could be worse. I have another blogging friend who hasn't updated since March. See, I really am not so bad ... by comparison. Of course, I refuse to acknowledge my other blogging buddies who update every day. Such overachievers! Sheesh.
Sunday, July 15, 2012
A Return to Silliness
I needed the weeks I've been "absent" to deal with life. Sometimes even a blog is one piece of luggage too many, and it has to do a few round on the carousel. Hope you enjoyed the ride.
So, what's been up at our household? Silliness.
Our American Eskimo has decided that he owns the neighborhood ... making all the neighbors, joggers, bicyclists, walkers, and gypsy bands of children the ultimate security threat. The TSA needs him, as he could easily bark any terrorist into submission. I may be sending him off to them REAL soon.
Summer ballet intensive is over, but since we live with a dance addict, dance is not. Seriously, it's not. One of my favorite parts of summer consisted of the two months we did NOT have dance. Silly mom, those days are over. I knew that we were going to be facing another summer intensive at Ballet West next year, but the resident ballerina has recently discovered there are tons of dance workshops out there. All of which would be "awesome" to attend. Right now we're doing a workshop taught by a dancer from Odyssey Dance Theater in Utah. The blessing is that it is only 2 days a week and is being taught here. Now she's found another workshop being run by the Ririe-Woodbury Dance Company. It's in Salt Lake. I hate Salt Lake. I hate driving in Salt Lake. The silliness? I'll probably be driving in Salt Lake irregardless. That's what happens when you have a child pursuing a dream. You suck it up and do silly things.
We went to see "The Amazing Spiderman" the other day. There's one scene of a fight in a library ... the battle is going on it the background, while in the foreground and old guy in headphones is totally oblivious to what is going on. Bailee turned to us and said - "It's Grandma!" I'm glad everyone else was laughing, because we totally cracked up.
I recently got what amounts to my 4th job. I'll be working as a copywriter. Ideal, since I can do it on my own time, but it's probably still silly. I'm hopeful that it will work into something I can do if I ever retire.
Mitt Romney was in Jackson Hole this past week for a fundraiser. $40,000 a person. I think that's silly. Guess I'm crazy, but I keep thinking about how much good that money could do. Instead, it will be spent on political ads. And yes, I feel the same about Obama's fundraiser at Sarah Jessica Parker's. All silly.
We had a brush fire near our house, started by people shooting off illegal fireworks. Silly. Stupid too. We were lucky that the firefighters were able to put it out.
So, we're living the silly life,but we're juggling it all.
So, what's been up at our household? Silliness.
Our American Eskimo has decided that he owns the neighborhood ... making all the neighbors, joggers, bicyclists, walkers, and gypsy bands of children the ultimate security threat. The TSA needs him, as he could easily bark any terrorist into submission. I may be sending him off to them REAL soon.
Summer ballet intensive is over, but since we live with a dance addict, dance is not. Seriously, it's not. One of my favorite parts of summer consisted of the two months we did NOT have dance. Silly mom, those days are over. I knew that we were going to be facing another summer intensive at Ballet West next year, but the resident ballerina has recently discovered there are tons of dance workshops out there. All of which would be "awesome" to attend. Right now we're doing a workshop taught by a dancer from Odyssey Dance Theater in Utah. The blessing is that it is only 2 days a week and is being taught here. Now she's found another workshop being run by the Ririe-Woodbury Dance Company. It's in Salt Lake. I hate Salt Lake. I hate driving in Salt Lake. The silliness? I'll probably be driving in Salt Lake irregardless. That's what happens when you have a child pursuing a dream. You suck it up and do silly things.
We went to see "The Amazing Spiderman" the other day. There's one scene of a fight in a library ... the battle is going on it the background, while in the foreground and old guy in headphones is totally oblivious to what is going on. Bailee turned to us and said - "It's Grandma!" I'm glad everyone else was laughing, because we totally cracked up.
I recently got what amounts to my 4th job. I'll be working as a copywriter. Ideal, since I can do it on my own time, but it's probably still silly. I'm hopeful that it will work into something I can do if I ever retire.
Mitt Romney was in Jackson Hole this past week for a fundraiser. $40,000 a person. I think that's silly. Guess I'm crazy, but I keep thinking about how much good that money could do. Instead, it will be spent on political ads. And yes, I feel the same about Obama's fundraiser at Sarah Jessica Parker's. All silly.
We had a brush fire near our house, started by people shooting off illegal fireworks. Silly. Stupid too. We were lucky that the firefighters were able to put it out.
So, we're living the silly life,but we're juggling it all.
Sunday, June 10, 2012
I Have HAD It!
I have had it!
How often do you find those words on your lips? I have found them bubbling up to my lips a lot lately, only to clamp my mouth down tight and swallow them down. Not today. Today I am letting them pour forth with gusto and absolute frustration.
I have had it!
I am tossing luggage every which way in what can only be termed as an adult temper tantrum. I should be embarrassed, and if someone was watching this mostly emotional display ... well, I probably would be. You're getting the filtered version, but I know I am not the only one who feels this way.
I have had it!
With work. This year our district gifted us with a pay cut. They then demanded more work than ever before, including a massive amount of work that must be done during the summer. Teachers have the summer off? Not bloody likely! I always work on my curriculum during the summer, but this year I am putting in 8+ hours a day (including weekends) trying to address all the demands we were sent home with. We are to master several new programs, redo curriculum alignment, integrate new technology, redo lessons, adapt lessons to meet new common core standards, rewrite assessments, and the list goes on and on. I feel overwork and very much underappreciated and undercompensated.
I have had it!
With aging. My own and that of my mother. My body is becoming an adversary set on punishing me when I push it. Sadly, my lifestyle seems to involve pushing the bod all the time. I find these aches and pains irritating, and disheartening. I am being forced to change some choices I make about how I live my life and how I do things. I don't want to. It makes me sad. Still, this all pales when compared to facing the aging process with my mom (who, thankfully, lives with us). My mom has always been an active lady, beloved by all who know her, and one of my best examples. She is suffering from physical issues that make it very difficult for her to do the things she wants to do. (Um, yes, I know ... familiar territory.) That makes her frustrated ... and yes, angry. Unfortunately, the anger often gets vented on members of the family. We're all beset by the feeling that we cannot do anything right. It hurts. What is far worse though, is the mental deterioration we are seeing. It isn't drastic, but it is there. This fact alone is breaking my heart. To see the vital woman I adore and admire beset by confusion, and escalating hearing loss, and forgetfulness is difficult. We all find ourselves having to repeat things over, and over, and sometimes over again. We are having to face the fact that driving (which has been limited to a radius of a few miles ... our familiar neighborhood stores and doctors' offices) is probably not going to last much longer. I find myself making rules about what can and cannot be done while we are at work and school. I hate this ... for myself and for her.
I have had it!
With judgmental people who think they have the God given right to tell people not only what to do, but what to think. Their response to differing opinions too often turns to hateful responses that are no less than demeaning and cruel. Far too many of these people represent the far right members of the Grand Old Party. Their diatribes are more fitting to 1930s/1940s Germany than today. That frightens me. In the past month I have listened to their vitriolic attack on public school and public school teachers - who are personified as socialists and/or communists. As someone who really knows what goes on within the walls of schools, I cannot imagine anything further from the truth. Far more indoctrination goes on within the walls of charter schools and home school classrooms. Public school teachers are far too busy trying to jump through the myriad of hoops NCLB and state legislators have mandated. Who has the time to waste on overthrowing the government when we have fractions to master?
I have had it!
With days that are too busy - crammed with the expectations of others. One can only fit so many things on a "to do" list. No matter how worthy they may be, there comes a time when you have to say no. I wish people would be charitable enough to accept a no without feeling compelled to deliver a dose of guilt in an attempt to change it to a yes.
I have had it!
With the feeling so many of us have that we are not worth loving. That we are not worth anything. That there is nothing to live for anymore. A friend of mine took his own life at the end of April because he believed all those things. My heart breaks because none of us were able to convince him otherwise. All he could hear at the end were the voices of a world that dismisses anyone who is not perfect and marching to the common cadence of their drummer. My darling boy, you were worth more than all the stars in the sky. You were loved. You were good enough. You were worthy enough. You were precious. Your different drummer beat out the music of your soul, and that music was a perfect symphony. I will carry the grief of your choice for the rest of my life ... wishing that I had been able to help you find a better road and the answers you sought but never found. I am so sorry that I was unable to help you to ignore the blaring cacophony of a world that left you in so much pain.
I've had it ... for today. Tomorrow I will take a deep breath and try again.
How often do you find those words on your lips? I have found them bubbling up to my lips a lot lately, only to clamp my mouth down tight and swallow them down. Not today. Today I am letting them pour forth with gusto and absolute frustration.
I have had it!
I am tossing luggage every which way in what can only be termed as an adult temper tantrum. I should be embarrassed, and if someone was watching this mostly emotional display ... well, I probably would be. You're getting the filtered version, but I know I am not the only one who feels this way.
I have had it!
With work. This year our district gifted us with a pay cut. They then demanded more work than ever before, including a massive amount of work that must be done during the summer. Teachers have the summer off? Not bloody likely! I always work on my curriculum during the summer, but this year I am putting in 8+ hours a day (including weekends) trying to address all the demands we were sent home with. We are to master several new programs, redo curriculum alignment, integrate new technology, redo lessons, adapt lessons to meet new common core standards, rewrite assessments, and the list goes on and on. I feel overwork and very much underappreciated and undercompensated.
I have had it!
With aging. My own and that of my mother. My body is becoming an adversary set on punishing me when I push it. Sadly, my lifestyle seems to involve pushing the bod all the time. I find these aches and pains irritating, and disheartening. I am being forced to change some choices I make about how I live my life and how I do things. I don't want to. It makes me sad. Still, this all pales when compared to facing the aging process with my mom (who, thankfully, lives with us). My mom has always been an active lady, beloved by all who know her, and one of my best examples. She is suffering from physical issues that make it very difficult for her to do the things she wants to do. (Um, yes, I know ... familiar territory.) That makes her frustrated ... and yes, angry. Unfortunately, the anger often gets vented on members of the family. We're all beset by the feeling that we cannot do anything right. It hurts. What is far worse though, is the mental deterioration we are seeing. It isn't drastic, but it is there. This fact alone is breaking my heart. To see the vital woman I adore and admire beset by confusion, and escalating hearing loss, and forgetfulness is difficult. We all find ourselves having to repeat things over, and over, and sometimes over again. We are having to face the fact that driving (which has been limited to a radius of a few miles ... our familiar neighborhood stores and doctors' offices) is probably not going to last much longer. I find myself making rules about what can and cannot be done while we are at work and school. I hate this ... for myself and for her.
I have had it!
With judgmental people who think they have the God given right to tell people not only what to do, but what to think. Their response to differing opinions too often turns to hateful responses that are no less than demeaning and cruel. Far too many of these people represent the far right members of the Grand Old Party. Their diatribes are more fitting to 1930s/1940s Germany than today. That frightens me. In the past month I have listened to their vitriolic attack on public school and public school teachers - who are personified as socialists and/or communists. As someone who really knows what goes on within the walls of schools, I cannot imagine anything further from the truth. Far more indoctrination goes on within the walls of charter schools and home school classrooms. Public school teachers are far too busy trying to jump through the myriad of hoops NCLB and state legislators have mandated. Who has the time to waste on overthrowing the government when we have fractions to master?
I have had it!
With days that are too busy - crammed with the expectations of others. One can only fit so many things on a "to do" list. No matter how worthy they may be, there comes a time when you have to say no. I wish people would be charitable enough to accept a no without feeling compelled to deliver a dose of guilt in an attempt to change it to a yes.
I have had it!
With the feeling so many of us have that we are not worth loving. That we are not worth anything. That there is nothing to live for anymore. A friend of mine took his own life at the end of April because he believed all those things. My heart breaks because none of us were able to convince him otherwise. All he could hear at the end were the voices of a world that dismisses anyone who is not perfect and marching to the common cadence of their drummer. My darling boy, you were worth more than all the stars in the sky. You were loved. You were good enough. You were worthy enough. You were precious. Your different drummer beat out the music of your soul, and that music was a perfect symphony. I will carry the grief of your choice for the rest of my life ... wishing that I had been able to help you find a better road and the answers you sought but never found. I am so sorry that I was unable to help you to ignore the blaring cacophony of a world that left you in so much pain.
I've had it ... for today. Tomorrow I will take a deep breath and try again.
Friday, April 6, 2012
Crabby Comments
I was reading one of my favorite blogs today, and something possessed me to go down and read the comments. I don't usually do this. Not because I don't care what other people have to say, but because I usually am functioning on limited time. Imagine!
Today I wish I had avoided reading those comments. Well, then again, maybe I am actually glad I did so, because it brought sometime to mind that has been bothering me for quite some time. If you read blogs or turn to the Internet for quick updates from your local news station you are going to be exposed to comments. Having a forum for dialogue is a good thing. It SHOULD be a good thing. Sadly, these forums aren't. I think it has something to do with the fact that you have anonymity. That's really not an excuse though. Not for what I see.
What I am seeing is a total decent into rudeness. Civility has taken a backseat to belittling those who do not share our views or dogma. Many of these comments bypass rudeness entirely, descending straight into hateful, spiteful, and judgmental attacks. It's beyond sad. It's beyond embarrassing. It's shameful and hypocritical (to say the very least). "You don't believe as I do - so you are, therefore, a bad person, an idiot, and I hate you." Ewwww.
My query is this, "Why are so many Americans in attack mode all the time?" Why is it so impossible for some to agree to disagree? We can't just disagree anymore. We have to attack those who disagree with us. We can't just say "I feel differently about this ... and these are my reasons." Instead, we attack others with hateful words questioning their morals, beliefs, intelligence, background, and even their right to share space on the same planet as us. Freedom of speech has become the freedom to be nasty and abusive, the freedom to demean and belittle, the freedom to vent prejudices and ugliness that should cause us to hang our heads in shame.
These attacks vary in virulence, but they are still attacks. I am curious as to why. Do we feel THAT threatened by the opposing beliefs of others? Have we become so narrow that we cannot accept that those we share this planet with do not necessarily share the same opinions and beliefs? Have we drifted so far from the ideals and aspirations that led to the founding of this country? It bothers me, and it has been much on my mind as of late.
We've all seen Americans do incredible things in the face of disasters. It brings out the very best in us. We reach out to one another. We act on our most noble proclivities. It's tragic that it takes a disaster for us to become the people we should be. Imagine the impact this country would have if we behaved in "disaster mode" without a disaster? It would be something truly amazing.
I suppose this post is an appeal for us to respond to one another with civility and respect. Is that really asking so much?
Here's a case in point. Yesterday our outdoor section ran a feature article in which the author decried some hunters publishing a photo of a wolf they had trapped.
thttp://www.postregister.com/story.php?accnum=1083-04052012&today=2012-04-05&keywords=wolf+trapping
The photo was horrifying. The author complained that the photo was going viral, and that it would be used by environmentalists in their arguments against trapping. That was his protest. It makes trapping look bad.
Wolves are a hot button issue in our region. Tempers flare, and people on both sides get ugly. It gets us nowhere. I'll admit that my blood pressure rose and I was upset by this. I could blow up and go postal on anyone who disagrees with me. And this would accomplish ... what? Absolutely nothing. We would just end up more polarized than before. Instead, here's a reaction that I think would be more in line with what I've been talking about in this post.
We've all grown up with Disney's version of animals and nature. We are ingrained to view the natural world interpreted through personification. We apply human attributes and qualities to our natural world. Our natural world is not subject to Disney's Law though, it follows nature's law. An animal behaves a certain way because instinct has wired it to do so. It is neither "good" nor "evil." It is just instinct. A carnivore kills other animals to survive. It is neither cruel nor kind. It merely act on its instinct. Mankind is the only animal which acts on moral principles and choice as opposed to instinct. That places a higher expectation on us as a species. We have become the stewards of our natural world. We, more than any other species, have the power to impact our environment on a large scale. It is a power that demands responsibility.
We all approach this issue from different places. Rancher, hunter, environmentalist, and the average Joe all have opinions. This photo seems to have upset many people, and for many different reasons. Perhaps we should ask, "Is this offensive because it was photographed and exploited (by both sides), or is it offensive because we are responding to the trapping itself? We all have different views. Some wish for the complete eradication of wolves. Some preach coexistence. There are as many points of view as there are people.
Our task, as humans, is perhaps to find some common ground that is reasonably acceptable to the greatest number of people. Are there other forms of control that would not be seen as so cruel? Are there measures we could take to control wolf pack territories? Are there protections which could be put in place for areas which border those territories? Are there more humane alternatives to population control? Have we looked into alternative measures - be it spaying and neutering of pack members, use of herd dogs to protect herds, electronic barriers, etc.?
Perhaps this photo is a signal to all of us that we need to come back to the table and share solutions that exist in the middle ground. We need to approach this issue in a spirit of compromise and respect for views which differ from our own. Let's set aside trying to prove that our opinion is right and everyone else is wrong. Instead, let us objectively look at this problem and find a solution that we all can live with.
Compromise and respect for the beliefs of others. It used to be something Americans prided themselves on. Is it something we've rejected, or have we merely forgotten how to do so?
Tuesday, April 3, 2012
Teaching
I'm on spring break this week. No kids, just a huge list of things to do that I don't have the time to do when I am working. Of course, school figures prominently on that list too. I'm rewriting my lesson plans to include a unit on bullying. My students have been treating one another like noxious weeds. Fifth graders (especially the girls) tend to get nasty in the spring. Hormones are raging ... but I think a great deal has to do with the fact that they are finally aware of the fact that they are about to leave childhood behind. They will leave elementary school and go on to middle school. It's a new world for them. They're excited about it. They can't wait. And they are scared spitless. Hence, they tend to take out the fear they can't admit to (which would negatively impact their coolness factor - a big deal in middle school) on everyone else. I am growing up. I'm excited to grow up. I don't know if I'm ready to grow up. I'm afraid of growing up. I can't admit to being afraid. Because sometimes, just sometimes, I don't WANT to grow up. All I can do is act out - so I do.
Some of my teaching colleagues usually will sigh, roll their eyes at some time during April or May and say - "This is why I don't teach sixth grade." This is also why some animals eat their young, but that's another story which will not be dealt with here.
I'm also updating my websites, getting lessons together, planning, and - WAIT! I'm on vacation! What am I doing? I guess it all brings out the truth of this quote -
Some of my teaching colleagues usually will sigh, roll their eyes at some time during April or May and say - "This is why I don't teach sixth grade." This is also why some animals eat their young, but that's another story which will not be dealt with here.
I'm also updating my websites, getting lessons together, planning, and - WAIT! I'm on vacation! What am I doing? I guess it all brings out the truth of this quote -
The best part of teaching is that it matters.
The hardest part of teaching is that every moment matters,
every day.
-Todd Whitaker
This is also why I laugh maniacally when someone talks about teachers "having the whole summer off." I work just as hard during the summer (though I do get to choose the when and where) as I do during the school year. Do you seriously think we can be pull off what we do during the year without that time of intense preparation? No one can juggle all those tasks we are required to "keep flying" without putting in the prep work. So, do yourself a favor and never comment about summers off to your teaching friends. You might just find yourself in need of a full set of dentures.
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