I Have HAD It!

I have had it! 

How often do you find those words on your lips?  I have found them bubbling up to my lips a lot lately, only to clamp my mouth down tight and swallow them down.  Not today.  Today I am letting them pour forth with gusto and absolute frustration.

I have had it!

I am tossing luggage every which way in what can only be termed as an adult temper tantrum.  I should be embarrassed, and if someone was watching this mostly emotional display ... well, I probably would be.  You're getting the filtered version, but I know I am not the only one who feels this way.

I have had it! 

With work.  This year our district gifted us with a pay cut.  They then demanded more work than ever before, including a massive amount of work that must be done during the summer.  Teachers have the summer off?  Not bloody likely!  I always work on my curriculum during the summer, but this year I am putting in 8+ hours a day (including weekends) trying to address all the demands we were sent home with.  We are to master several new programs, redo curriculum alignment, integrate new technology, redo lessons, adapt lessons to meet new common core standards, rewrite assessments, and the list goes on and on.  I feel overwork and very much underappreciated and undercompensated.

I have had it!

With aging.  My own and that of my mother.  My body is becoming an adversary set on punishing me when I push it.  Sadly, my lifestyle seems to involve pushing the bod all the time.  I find these aches and pains irritating, and disheartening.  I am being forced to change some choices I make about how I live my life and how I do things.  I don't want to.  It makes me sad.  Still, this all pales when compared to facing the aging process with my mom (who, thankfully, lives with us).  My mom has always been an active lady, beloved by all who know her, and one of my best examples.  She is suffering from physical issues that make it very difficult for her to do the things she wants to do.  (Um, yes, I know ... familiar territory.)  That makes her frustrated ... and yes, angry.  Unfortunately, the anger often gets vented on members of the family.  We're all beset by the feeling that we cannot do anything right.  It hurts.    What is far worse though, is the mental deterioration we are seeing.  It isn't drastic, but it is there.  This fact alone is breaking my heart.  To see the vital woman I adore and admire beset by confusion, and escalating hearing loss, and forgetfulness is difficult.  We all find ourselves having to repeat things over, and over, and sometimes over again.  We are having to face the fact that driving (which has been limited to a radius of a few miles ... our familiar neighborhood stores and doctors' offices) is probably not going to last much longer.  I find myself making rules about what can and cannot be done while we are at work and school.  I hate this ... for myself and for her.

I have had it!

With judgmental people who think they have the God given right to tell people not only what to do, but what to think.  Their response to differing opinions too often turns to hateful responses that are no less than demeaning and cruel.  Far too many of these people represent the far right members of the Grand Old Party.  Their diatribes are more fitting to 1930s/1940s Germany than today.  That frightens me.  In the past month I have listened to their vitriolic attack on public school and public school teachers - who are personified as socialists and/or communists.  As someone who really knows what goes on within the walls of schools, I cannot imagine anything further from the truth.  Far more indoctrination goes on within the walls of charter schools and home school classrooms.  Public school teachers are far too busy trying to jump through the myriad of hoops NCLB and state legislators have mandated.  Who has the time to waste on overthrowing the government when we have fractions to master? 

I have had it!

With days that are too busy - crammed with the expectations of others.  One can only fit so many things on a "to do" list.  No matter how worthy they may be, there comes a time when you have to say no.  I wish people would be charitable enough to accept a no without feeling compelled to deliver a dose of guilt in an attempt to change it to a yes. 

I have had it!

With the feeling so many of us have that we are not worth loving.  That we are not worth anything.  That there is nothing to live for anymore.  A friend of mine took his own life at the end of April because he believed all those things.  My heart breaks because none of us were able to convince him otherwise.  All he could hear at the end were the voices of a world that dismisses anyone who is not perfect and marching to the common cadence of their drummer.  My darling boy, you were worth more than all the stars in the sky.  You were loved.  You were good enough.  You were worthy enough.  You were precious.  Your different drummer beat out the music of your soul, and that music was a perfect symphony.  I will carry the grief of your choice for the rest of my life ... wishing that I had been able to help you find a better road and the answers you sought but never found.  I am so sorry that I was unable to help you to ignore the blaring cacophony of a world that left you in so much pain.

I've had it ... for today.  Tomorrow I will take a deep breath and try again.

Crabby Comments

I was reading one of my favorite blogs today, and something possessed me to go down and read the comments.  I don't usually do this.  Not because I don't care what other people have to say, but because I usually am functioning on limited time.  Imagine!


Today I wish I had avoided reading those comments.  Well, then again, maybe I am actually glad I did so, because it brought sometime to mind that has been bothering me for quite some time.  If you read blogs or turn to the Internet for quick updates from your local news station you are going to be exposed to comments.  Having a forum for dialogue is a good thing.  It SHOULD be a good thing.  Sadly, these forums aren't.  I think it has something to do with the fact that you have anonymity.  That's really not an excuse though.  Not for what I see.


What I am seeing is a total decent into rudeness.  Civility has taken a backseat to belittling those who do not share our views or dogma.    Many of these comments bypass rudeness entirely, descending straight into hateful, spiteful, and judgmental attacks.  It's beyond sad.  It's beyond embarrassing.  It's shameful and hypocritical (to say the very least).  "You don't believe as I do - so you are, therefore, a bad person, an idiot, and I hate you."  Ewwww.


My query is this,  "Why are so many Americans in attack mode all the time?"  Why is it so impossible for some to agree to disagree?  We can't just disagree anymore.  We have to attack those who disagree with us.  We can't just say "I feel differently about this ... and these are my reasons."  Instead, we attack others with hateful words questioning their morals, beliefs, intelligence, background, and even their right to share space on the same planet as us.  Freedom of speech has become the freedom to be nasty and abusive, the freedom to demean and belittle, the freedom to vent prejudices and ugliness that should cause us to hang our heads in shame.


These attacks vary in virulence, but they are still attacks.  I am curious as to why.  Do we feel THAT threatened by the opposing beliefs of others?  Have we become so narrow that we cannot accept that those we share this planet with do not necessarily share the same opinions and beliefs?  Have we drifted so far from the ideals and aspirations that led to the founding of this country?  It bothers me, and it has been much on my mind as of late.


We've all seen Americans do incredible things in the face of disasters.  It brings out the very best in us.  We reach out to one another.  We act on our most noble proclivities.  It's tragic that it takes a disaster for us to become the people we should be.  Imagine the impact this country would have if we behaved in "disaster mode" without a disaster?  It would be something truly amazing.


I suppose this post is an appeal for us to respond to one another with civility and respect.  Is that really asking so much?


Here's a case in point.  Yesterday our outdoor section ran a feature article in which the author decried some hunters publishing a photo of a wolf they had trapped.   

thttp://www.postregister.com/story.php?accnum=1083-04052012&today=2012-04-05&keywords=wolf+trapping

The photo was horrifying.  The author complained that the photo was going viral, and that it would be used by environmentalists in their arguments against trapping.  That was his protest.  It makes trapping look bad.


Wolves are a hot button issue in our region.  Tempers flare, and people on both sides get ugly.  It gets us nowhere.  I'll admit that my blood pressure rose and I was upset by this.  I could blow up and go postal on anyone who disagrees with me.  And this would accomplish ... what?  Absolutely nothing.  We would just end up more polarized than before.  Instead, here's a reaction that I think would be more in line with what I've been talking about in this post.


We've all grown up with Disney's version of animals and nature.  We are ingrained to view the natural world interpreted through personification.  We apply human attributes and qualities to our natural world.  Our natural world is not subject to Disney's Law though, it follows nature's law.  An animal behaves a certain way because instinct has wired it to do so.  It is neither "good"  nor  "evil."  It is just instinct.  A carnivore kills other animals to survive.  It is neither cruel nor kind.  It merely act on its instinct.  Mankind is the only animal which acts on moral principles and choice as opposed to instinct.  That places a higher expectation on us as a species.  We have become the stewards of our natural world.  We, more than any other species, have the power to impact our environment on a large scale.  It is a power that demands responsibility.


We all approach this issue from different places.  Rancher, hunter, environmentalist, and the average Joe all have opinions.  This photo seems to have upset many people, and for many different reasons.  Perhaps we should ask, "Is this offensive because it was photographed and exploited (by both sides), or is it offensive because we are responding to the trapping itself?  We all have different views.  Some wish for the complete eradication of wolves.  Some preach coexistence.  There are as many points of view as there are people. 


Our task, as humans, is perhaps to find some common ground that is reasonably acceptable to the greatest number of people.  Are there other forms of control that would not be seen as so cruel?  Are there measures we could take to control wolf pack territories?  Are there protections which could be put in place for areas which border those territories?  Are there more humane alternatives to population control?  Have we looked into alternative measures - be it spaying and neutering of pack members, use of herd dogs to protect herds, electronic barriers, etc.? 


Perhaps this photo is a signal to all of us that we need to come back to the table and share solutions that exist in the middle ground.  We need to approach this issue in a spirit of compromise and respect for views which differ from our own.  Let's set aside trying to prove that our opinion is right and everyone else is wrong.  Instead, let us objectively look at this problem and find a solution that we all can live with.


Compromise and respect for the beliefs of others.  It used to be something Americans prided themselves on.  Is it something we've rejected, or have we merely forgotten how to do so?

Teaching

I'm on spring break this week.  No kids, just a huge list of things to do that I don't have the time to do when I am working.  Of course, school figures prominently on that list too.  I'm rewriting my lesson plans to include a unit on bullying.  My students have been treating one another like noxious weeds.  Fifth graders (especially the girls) tend to get nasty in the spring.  Hormones are raging ... but I think a great deal has to do with the fact that they are finally aware of the fact that they are about to leave childhood behind.  They will leave elementary school and go on to middle school.  It's a new world for them.  They're excited about it.  They can't wait.  And they are scared spitless.  Hence, they tend to take out the fear they can't admit to (which would negatively impact their coolness factor - a big deal in middle school) on everyone else.  I am growing up.  I'm excited to grow up.  I don't know if I'm ready to grow up.  I'm afraid of growing up.  I can't admit to being afraid.  Because sometimes, just sometimes, I don't WANT to grow up.  All I can do is act out - so I do. 


Some of my teaching colleagues usually will sigh, roll their eyes at some time during April or May and say - "This is why I don't teach sixth grade."  This is also why some animals eat their young, but that's another story which will not be dealt with here.


I'm also updating my websites, getting lessons together, planning, and - WAIT!  I'm on vacation!  What am I doing?  I guess it all brings out the truth of this quote -

The best part of teaching is that it matters.

The hardest part of teaching is that every moment matters,

every day.

-Todd Whitaker

This is also why I laugh maniacally when someone talks about teachers "having the whole summer off."  I work just as hard during the summer (though I do get to choose the when and where) as I do during the school year.  Do you seriously think we can be pull off what we do during the year without that time of intense preparation?  No one can juggle all those tasks we are required to "keep flying" without putting in the prep work.  So, do yourself a favor and never comment about summers off to your teaching friends.  You might just find yourself in need of a full set of dentures.

Adoption

If you knew me, you'd know my opinion about adoption.  I am a huge fan.  How can you not be a fan of something which brought a person like this into your life?

Bailee entered our lives in 1998, following the death of our first adoption referral (the orphanage in Vietnam was hit by malaria).  We still consider Eilish as our first child, because, even though we only held her picture in our hands, we already loved her.  It was very painful for us, especially since so many people around us did not understand the grief we felt.  After all - she wasn't really ours yet.  We'd never held her in our arms.  Only our friends who suffered through miscarriages understood how our empty arms hurt.


We received our referral for Bailee months later.  Her picture seemed to cry out - "Love me!"  We did.  Instantly.  We will always be eternally grateful to Bailee's birthmother.  She was in her 40s, widowed, working in the rice paddies, living with her sister's family, and already had three older sons.  She wanted a better life for her daughter.  In an incredible bit of bravery, she confided that she wanted her to be raised to pray to Jesus.  She did this at great personal risk, and I was forever impressed by her deep love for her daughter AND her courage.  I pray that she and her family have been greatly blessed for their sacrifice and charity to us.


The past thirteen years have been an incredible journey and a greater blessing than I can even begin to describe.  Bailee is the center and joy of our lives.  She has grown into a beautiful and caring young woman with many accomplishments.  I hope that we have fulfilled our commitment to her birthmother.


There's always a great deal of controversy when it comes to adoption, abortion, and keeping a child when one is faced with an unwanted pegnancy.  I just want to say that putting a child up for adoption may be the greatest gift a young man and woman can give to those who desire a child and are unable to do so on their own.  I wish more people would consider it as an option.  It was the answer to all our hopes and dreams, and it allowed a little girl to have the life her birthmother wanted for her.

I'm hoping that somewhere out there, someone will read this and be influenced to read and share the following website:


http://oshinandtraceysadoptionjourney.blogspot.com/


Tracey and Oshin are wonderful people who are just beginning their adoption journey.  I hope that this post will help them to connect with someone who can help them achieve their dreams too.

A Bumpy Ride with Ugly Luggage

WOW!  Bailee's illness turned out to be strep.  She missed four days of school and dance, which means she was one VERY sick little girl.  She became a slug/couch potato and slept most of the time.  She was miserable.  Her grandmother came down with bronchitis, so she was also ill (but thankfully not as bad as Bailee).


Of course, I caught both bugs.  At the same time.  I do not do things half way.  Just because I'm me, and I get dehydrated easily when I am ill and running a fever, I also got an ugly UTI.  My body has been my worst enemy for nearly two weeks.  I am starting to feel better now, but my energy level is down.  Way down.  Unfortunately, expectations on me have gone up.  Who is in charge of that stuff?  I was very thankful to have the coming week off for spring break (my daughter's school district had last week off - which I found stupid).  I woke up this morning with a side ache.  On my right side.  Yeah, you can probably guess where my thoughts went.  Sheesh!  Needless to say, I decided to pass on working at the studio on costume and set clean up this morning.  My daughter was fine with that (she still went, along with my sister), but my sister and mother are not happy with me.  There will be a sign-up sheet for others who are displeased circulating ... please feel free to sign.


Which comes to today's topic - expectations.  Some of us have low expectations, others have high expectations.  For ourselves.  For others.  Honestly, I have pretty high expectations for myself.  I worked at the shop last night, then came home and did three hours of work on the studio website.  Today I'll be working on preparations for spring registration (brochures, fliers, ads, etc.).  I will also correct papers, plan lessons for April, work on AIMS Web, and Safari Montage lessons.  Somewhere in there I will clean house, make bread, and plan and prepare dinners for the week.  Oh, and then there's the garden to plan and yardwork to think about.  See ... I am NOT a slouch. 


My frustration stems from people who decide I am a slouch because I let one of my pieces of luggage stay on the carousel today.  Why are we so harsh with others?  Why do we feel the need to judge others? 


Lest you think I am an angel in this regard, I'll admit to getting frustrated when I feel others have dropped the ball.  I am irked when my students don't study for tests or complete assignments.  I am cranky when people show up late, or miss appointments.  I sigh deeply when people I am depending on don't do the things they agreed to do. 


This all brings me to this observation.  Do I know their stories?  Do I know what is going on in their life?  Do I know how many balls they're trying to juggle or how many pieces of luggage they're trying to keep track of?  The honest truth is - I don't.  If I don't know all the struggles they are facing, what makes me think I am in a position to judge them?  Honestly, it's a right I don't have.  I don't like it when others judge me, so why do I turn around and do the same thing?


I'm not saying I'm going to drop expectations I have for other people.  However, I think from now on I will try to have a little more understanding.  Before rushing to judgment, I'm going to seek out the "rest of the story" and exhibit the compassion I would like to be given.  After all ... we're all fighting a hard battle.

A to Z

I'm a teacher.  I like surveys.  This one, courtesy of Janetha from Meals and Moves was most appealing.  It fits with my Saturday mood, so here goes ...

A is for age: 55, which sounds old to me.  I don't feel that old, nor do I act that old.  I have a 13 year-old, so old is not an option.  I also teach fifth graders, so I don't even know how to do old.  This is a good think.  Old doesn't have much to recommend it. 


B is for breakfast today: Chocolate chip pancakes.  I know.  Terrible - but they are #1 on my comfort food parade ... and my sick daughter asked for them today.  Poor baby.  I can deny her nothing when she's sick.


C is for currently craving: Grain burgers that I used to make back in the day.  The mix I used has disappeared from the organic foods section of the store, so I am on a quest to either find it on the Internet, or recreate it on my own.


D is for dinner tonight: Probably homemade pizza, or whatever the sick child requests.  She may want the kale soup I made last week, as she loved it.  I could go for that.


E is for favorite type of exercise: Swimming or biking.  Neither of which I can really do right now, but spring is on the way.


F is for an irrational fear: High bridges.  They absolutely freak me out.  Especially the high bridge over a chasm on the way from Mammoth to Tower Falls in Yellowstone Park.  I blame it for starting the whole bridge terror thing.


G is for gross food: Anything slimy.  I have horrible memories of these hamburgers my mom fried that had this gray slimy coating on them.  I don't know how she did it, but the memory still makes me shudder.


H is for hometown: Livingston, Montana.  It was a great place to grow up, and really beautiful.  I have the best memories of the mountains, the smell of pine trees, and the best star-gazing sky in the world.  I ran the hills and woods as a kid and did some absolutely ridiculous things.  It was great!


I is for something important: My family.  Always the top priority, even when they make me crazy.


J is for current favorite jam: Raspberry.  It reminds me of summers in my grandmother's raspberry patch in Minnesota.


K is for kids: Beautiful ballerina Bailee.  She's the most fantastic 13 year-old I know.  I am her biggest fan.  How did I ever get so lucky to have her in my life.  I also have a "son," Caribou ... a crazy American Eskimo dog.  He's a teenager too, but not nearly as civilized as his "sister."  I also have several other "dance daughters."


L is for current location: Our living room. 


M is for the most recent way you spent money:  Gas.  How painful!  I do lots of commuting and hauling, so the current gas prices have a big impact on me.  Today I'll be investing in Jamba Juice smoothies and an iced chai at Starbucks as well.  That sounds much better than liquefied dinosaurs.


N is for something you need: More time.  Maybe a new job.


O is for occupation: I teach fifth grade.  I love the teaching part, but hate the other crap.  Teachers in Idaho have been totally disenfranchised, so it's been pretty rough.  We get treated like garbage.  Hence the comment in N.


P is for pet peeve:   People who have children and then ignore them, putting their own agenda first.  If you can't put your child higher on your priorities, get a pet rock.  They won't care if you treat them with total disregard.


Q is for a quote:   This week - "Would you like the knife you just stabbed in my back returned, or do you intend to just leave it there?"  from FRAZIER.  This totally relates to some decisions made by our school board this week which are not only stupid, but abusive.


R is for random fact about you: I hate Idaho.  A lot.


S is for favorite healthy snack: Kale chips.


T is for favorite treat: Coconut M and Ms.  Coconut frapps from Starbucks.


U is for something that makes you unique: I'm a teacher, a writer, a web designer, and I'm on the staff at a ballet studio/dance shop.


V is for favorite vegetable:  Asparagus and kale.


W is for today’s workout: Chasing ballerinas around.


X is for X-rays you’ve had:   Too many to name thanks to sprains and several broken bones.


Y is for yesterday’s highlight: Coming how from work at the dance shop to find three dancers at my house making cupcakes, doing their nails, and getting hugs from all of them.


Z is for your time zone:   Mountain.  I have mixed feelings about the switch to daylight savings time.  I like the additional light at night, but I also like the early sunrise.  I hate the way the kids act though.  They're zombies for weeks afterward.


So - that's my alphabet soup.  I'm now off to medicate my child.  I then have to ferry dancers to a benefit performance for an all access playground.  It's only one dance, so I'm hoping we can get Bailee through it.  That's the rough part about dance - when you're missing a girl in a routine the whole dance falls apart.  Time for essential oils and home remedies ... then a trip to the doc if she doesn't improve.

An Open Letter to Parents

Dear Parents,


I am your child's teacher.  We've never met.  I have received notes and e-mails from you on occasion, so I know you exist.  I just have a few things I wanted to mention to you.

1. There is a difference between giving a child life and giving a child A LIFE.  I wish you understood that.  A child needs to be cared for, talked to (not at), and valued.  Once you bring a child into the world, your agenda should move down in your list of priorities.
2. Things don't take the place of love or time.
3. Your child is a child, not a mini adult.  They need your involvement in their life.  Children make lousy parents.  I wish yours was not trying to raise themself on a diet of video games, junk food, and television.  Parenting is a hands-on, dirty job.  Suck it up and DO IT!
4. Take an interest in your child's education.  You are part of a team.  Please play your part.  Its inconvenient and messy, yes, but vital.  Look on it as a sound investment if that helps.  You can help junior be successful now, or you can support the little darling for the rest of their life. 
5. Be an advocate for your child, but please don't step in and try to prevent them from experiencing the natural consequences for their behavior.  If you think your child "would never do that," you are probably wrong. 
6. Sending nasty notes or e-mails to the teacher will never make a situation better.  Screaming at them on the phone is also not helpful.
7. Your child will not die if they are asked to do hard things.  They will find that they have the capacity to do hard things.  Once they know that, the world is theirs. 
8. Don't raise your child to believe they are "entitled" to anything.  Anything worth having is worth working for.
9. Self esteem doesn't come from praise or gold stars, it comes from facing challenges and overcoming them.  It also comes from failing, and having the courage to get up and try again.
10. Pay attention.  "Life moves pretty fast," as Ferris Bueller said," and if you don't stop and look around once in awhile, you could miss it."