- Things that irritate me.
- Things I don't understand.
- Everything I learned about pointe shoes.
- Where my time goes and why I don't have enough of it.
I could go on, but all those possible posts evaporated when I got home from job #2 and read the blog that Mike's daughter-in-law is writing. He's slipping away from us. He really isn't able to visit with anyone anymore. Talking is nearly impossible. She promised that she would let us all know when he dies.
When he dies.
Just like that. My cuddly teddy bear of a friend is going to die, and there is nothing I can do about it. The finality of that statement hit me like a double semi truck (and then proceeded to roll back and forth over my heart for several minutes).
How did we get to this point so fast? He was cancer free only a few weeks ago. I haven't even been able to get my mind around the possibility that Mike might die -- and now we are talking about when he dies.
When I sat with him on Monday, which I now must assume was the last time I will probably share with my dear friend, he said -- "I can't imagine living without your family in my life." Oh Mike ... how can you expect us to live without you in ours? It will be so diminished without your hugs, your smile, and your gentle ways. There will be less light, and so many more shadows. There will be such a great emptiness in the places you used to fill. Now you're going on a journey and leaving us behind on the shore. I can't send chocolate chip cookies or cinnamon rolls with you. I can only send my love. Please know that you are taking so much love with you!
I have discovered that you can cry in complete silence, with tears slipping down your cheeks. Your heart can break, but it just keeps on beating. You can be angry and grateful at the same time. I hate that this has happened, but I am so grateful that our family had Mike and his family in our lives. He has been as close and as dear as a brother to me. Knowing him has been an honor and a joy.
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